明天是阳历7月7日，再过一段日子就是传统的七夕节，单身狗们也许会感到寂寞……还在等着国家分配对象么？英语视频君有一个更高效的办法来帮你告别寂寞……找一个人，做个实验，两人面对面回答36个问题（稍后附上具体问题），然后你们就会爱上彼此！
TED：这才是爱情应有的样子来自英语视频00:0015:02
谈论爱情时，大家最常用到的词语往往有“坠入爱河”，“神魂颠倒”，“茶不思饭不想”，“相思成灾”，“情难自控”“痛并快乐着”等等，我们是否想过这些词语是否给了我们一些负面的心理暗示,让很多人从中误解和曲解了爱情感受和含义呢？我们是否能有更好的词语或比喻来谈论爱情呢？
IpublishedthisarticleintheNewYorkTimesModernLovecolumninJanuaryofthisyear.'ToFallinLoveWithAnyone,DoThis.'Andthearticleisaboutapsychologicalstudydesignedtocreateromanticloveinthelaboratory,andmyownexperiencetryingthestudymyselfonenightlastsummer.
Sotheprocedureisfairlysimple:twostrangerstaketurnsaskingeachother36increasinglypersonalquestionsandthentheystareintoeachother'seyeswithoutspeakingforfourminutes.Sohereareacoupleofsamplequestions.
过程很简单：两个陌生人轮流问对方36个问题，问题越来越私人化，然后四目相对，一言不发地对视4分钟。我选出了其中几个问题。
Number12:Ifyoucouldwakeuptomorrowhavinggainedanyonequalityorability,whatwoulditbe
Number28:WhendidyoulastcryinfrontofanotherpersonByyourself
问题12:如果你明早醒来能获得一项品质或能力，你希望是什么？
问题28:你上一次当着别人的面哭是什么时候？（上一次）独自哭泣呢？
Asyoucansee,theyreallydogetmorepersonalastheygoalong.
Number30,Ireallylikethisone:Tellyourpartnerwhatyoulikeaboutthem;beveryhonestthistime,sayingthingsyoumightnotsaytosomeoneyoujustmet.
如大家所见，这些问题的确越来越私人化。
问题30，我很喜欢这一个：告诉对面的人你喜欢他（她）什么，要非常诚实，说一些你也许不会对初次见面的人说的话。
SowhenIfirstcameacrossthisstudyafewyearsearlier,onedetailreallystuckouttome,andthatwastherumorthattwooftheparticipantshadgottenmarriedsixmonthslater,andthey'dinvitedtheentirelabtotheceremony.SoIwasofcourseveryskepticalaboutthisprocessofjustmanufacturingromanticlove,butofcourseIwasintrigued.
因此当我几年前偶然听说这个实验的时候，有一个细节真的打动了我，我听到传言，说有两个参加实验的人在半年后结婚了，他俩邀请了整个实验团队去参加婚礼。当然，我非常怀疑这种完全人造的浪漫爱情，但同时我也很好奇。
AndwhenIgotthechancetotrythisstudymyself,withsomeoneIknewbutnotparticularlywell,Iwasn'texpectingtofallinlove.Butthenwedid,and--AndIthoughtitmadeagoodstory,soIsentittotheModernLovecolumnafewmonthslater.
当我自己也有机会去完成这个实验时——和一个我认识但不是很熟的人——我完全没想到我们会陷入爱河。但是我们真的陷进去了，而且——我认为这是一个精彩的故事，所以几个月后，我将它发给了“现代爱情”专栏。
Now,thiswaspublishedinJanuary,andnowitisAugust,soI'mguessingthatsomeofyouareprobablywondering,arewestilltogetherAndthereasonIthinkyoumightbewonderingthisisbecauseIhavebeenaskedthisquestionagainandagainandagainforthepastsevenmonths.AndthisquestionisreallywhatIwanttotalkabouttoday.Butlet'scomebacktoit.
Sotheweekbeforethearticlecameout,Iwasverynervous.Ihadbeenworkingonabookaboutlovestoriesforthepastfewyears,soIhadgottenusedtowritingaboutmyownexperienceswithromanticloveonmyblog.Butablogpostmightgetacouplehundredviewsatthemost,andthosewereusuallyjustmyFacebookfriends,andIfiguredmyarticleintheNewYorkTimeswouldprobablygetafewthousandviews.Andthatfeltlikealotofattentiononarelativelynewrelationship.Butasitturnedout,Ihadnoidea.
SothearticlewaspublishedonlineonaFridayevening,andbySaturday,thishadhappenedtothetrafficonmyblog.AndbySunday,boththeTodayShowandGoodMorningAmericahadcalled.Withinamonth,thearticlewouldreceiveover8millionviews,andIwas,tosaytheleast,underpreparedforthissortofattention.It'sonethingtoworkuptheconfidencetowritehonestlyaboutyourexperienceswithlove,butitisanotherthingtodiscoverthatyourlovelifehasmadeinternationalnews--andtorealizethatpeopleacrosstheworldaregenuinelyinvestedinthestatusofyournewrelationship.
Andwhenpeoplecalledoremailed,whichtheydideverydayforweeks,theyalwaysaskedthesamequestionfirst:areyouguysstilltogetherInfact,asIwaspreparingthistalk,Ididaquicksearchofmyemailinboxforthephrase'Areyoustilltogether'andseveralmessagespoppedupimmediately.Theywerefromstudentsandjournalistsandfriendlystrangerslikethisone.Ididradiointerviewsandtheyasked.Ievengaveatalk,andonewomanshouteduptothestage,'HeyMandy,where'syourboyfriend'AndIpromptlyturnedbrightred.
Iunderstandthatthisispartofthedeal.Ifyouwriteaboutyourrelationshipinaninternationalnewspaper,youshouldexpectpeopletofeelcomfortableaskingaboutit.ButIjustwasn'tpreparedforthescopeoftheresponse.The36questionsseemtohavetakenonalifeoftheirown.Infact,theNewYorkTimespublishedafollow-uparticleforValentine'sDay,whichfeaturedreaders'experiencesoftryingthestudythemselves,withvaryingdegreesofsuccess.
Somyfirstimpulseinthefaceofallofthisattentionwastobecomeveryprotectiveofmyownrelationship.Isaidnotoeveryrequestforthetwoofustodoamediaappearancetogether.IturneddownTVinterviews,andIsaidnotoeveryrequestforphotosofthetwous.IthinkIwasafraidthatwewouldbecomeinadvertenticonsfortheprocessoffallinginlove,apositionIdidnotatallfeelqualifiedfor.
AndIgetit:peopledidn'tjustwanttoknowifthestudyworked,theywantedtoknowifitreallyworked:thatis,ifitwascapableofproducinglovethatwouldlast,notjustafling,butreallove,sustainablelove.
我明白：人们不光想知道这实验有没有效，他们还想知道这实验会不会真的成功：也就是说，刻意制造出来的爱情能否持久，不是昙花一现，而是能持续下去的真爱。
ButthiswasaquestionIdidn'tfeelcapableofanswering.Myownrelationshipwasonlyafewmonthsold,andIfeltlikepeoplewereaskingthewrongquestioninthefirstplace.WhatwouldknowingwhetherornotwewerestilltogetherreallytellthemIftheanswerwasno,woulditmaketheexperienceofdoingthese36questionsanylessworthwhile
但这个问题我没办法回答。因为我的感情也才开始几个月而已，而且我觉得这个问题问得不对。知道我俩是否在一起能起什么作用呢？如果我们分手了，是不是意味着做这36道题就没什么意义了呢？
Dr.ArthurAronfirstwroteaboutthesequestionsinthisstudyherein1997,andhere,theresearcher'sgoalwasnottoproduceromanticlove.Instead,theywantedtofosterinterpersonalclosenessamongcollegestudents,byusingwhatAroncalled'sustained,escalating,reciprocal,personalisticself-disclosure.'Soundsromantic,doesn'titButthestudydidwork.
这些问题最初是亚瑟·阿伦博士在1997年的这项研究中设计出来的，当时，研究者的目的并不是要制造爱情。而是想增进大学生之间的人际关系，通过阿伦所谓的“持续的、不断深入的、双向的、自我人格剖析”。听起来真是浪漫啊，不是吗？
Theparticipantsdidfeelcloserafterdoingit,andseveralsubsequentstudieshavealsousedAron'sfastfriendsprotocolasawaytoquicklycreatetrustandintimacybetweenstrangers.They'veuseditbetweenmembersofthepoliceandmembersofcommunity,andthey'veuseditbetweenpeopleofopposingpoliticalideologies.Theoriginalversionofthestory,theonethatItriedlastsummer,thatpairsthepersonalquestionswithfourminutesofeyecontact,wasreferencedinthisarticle,butunfortunatelyitwasneverpublished.
Soafewmonthsago,Iwasgivingatalkatasmallliberalartscollege,andastudentcameuptomeafterwardsandhesaid,kindofshyly,'So,Itriedyourstudy,anditdidn'twork.'Heseemedalittlemystifiedbythis.'Youmean,youdidn'tfallinlovewiththepersonyoudiditwith'Iasked.
几个月前，我在一所小型文理学院做演讲，演讲结束后，一名男生过来找我，他怯生生地说，“嗯，我试过你的方法了，但是不管用。”他看起来很迷茫的样子。“你的意思是，你没有爱上跟你一起做实验的那个人？”我问。
'Well...'Hepaused.'Ithinkshejustwantstobefriends.'
“也许……”他停顿了一下。“我觉得她只想与我做朋友。”
'Butdidyoubecomebetterfriends'Iasked.'Didyoufeellikeyougottoreallyknoweachotherafterdoingthestudy'Henodded.
“但你们的关系是不是比以前更好了？”我又问。“你有没有觉得实验之后，你俩对彼此的了解都有所加深？”他点了点头。
'So,thenitworked,'Isaid.
“那么，这个实验就是管用的。”我说
Idon'tthinkthisistheanswerhewaslookingfor.Infact,Idon'tthinkthisistheanswerthatanyofusarelookingforwhenitcomestolove.
我知道这不是他想得到的答案。事实上，我认为这不是任何人想要得到的答案，尤其是他们在寻找爱情的时候。
IfirstcameacrossthisstudywhenIwas29andIwasgoingthroughareallydifficultbreakup.IhadbeenintherelationshipsinceIwas20,whichwasbasicallymyentireadultlife,andhewasmyfirstreallove,andIhadnoideahoworifIcouldmakealifewithouthim.SoIturnedtoscience.IresearchedeverythingIcouldfindaboutthescienceofromanticlove,andIthinkIwashopingthatitmightsomehowinoculatemefromheartache.Idon'tknowifIrealizedthisatthetime--IthoughtIwasjustdoingresearchforthisbookIwaswriting--butitseemsreallyobviousinretrospect.
我第一次完成这个实验的时候是29岁，当时我正在经历一场非常痛苦的分手。这段感情是从我20岁时开始的，几乎贯穿了我成年后的所有岁月，他是我第一个真正爱的人，我无法想象没有他的人生会是怎样。于是我求助于科学。我研究了所有我能找到的关于爱情的科学资料，我觉得我当时是想以此来疗伤。我不知道当时我有没有意识到这一点——我认为自己只是在为写的书做研究——但事后回想，当时确实是想借此疗伤。
IhopedthatifIarmedmyselfwiththeknowledgeofromanticlove,ImightneverhavetofeelasterribleandlonelyasIdidthen.Andallthisknowledgehasbeenusefulinsomeways.Iammorepatientwithlove.Iammorerelaxed.IammoreconfidentaboutaskingforwhatIwant.ButIcanalsoseemyselfmoreclearly,andIcanseethatwhatIwantissometimesmorethancanreasonablybeaskedfor.WhatIwantfromloveisaguarantee,notjustthatIamlovedtodayandthatIwillbelovedtomorrow,butthatIwillcontinuetobelovedbythepersonIloveindefinitely.Maybeit'sthispossibilityofaguaranteethatpeoplewerereallyaskingaboutwhentheywantedtoknowifwewerestilltogether.
我当时希望用爱情的知识武装自己，也许失恋带来的伤害和孤独感就不会那么强烈。这些知识最后都或多或少发挥了作用，我对爱情更加有耐心。我变得不那么执着。我也更加有自信去追求自己想要的。但同时我也能更加清晰地认识自己，我发现我想要的很多，有时候甚至是一些只能意会的东西。我希望爱情是一种保障，并不仅仅是今天被爱，或者明天被爱，而是被我爱的这个人永远地爱下去。也许大家关心我俩是不是还在一起真正的原因在于家都想看看这种保障是否真的存在。
Sothestorythatthemediatoldaboutthe36questionswasthattheremightbeashortcuttofallinginlove.Theremightbeawaytosomehowmitigatesomeoftheriskinvolved,andthisisaveryappealingstory,becausefallinginlovefeelsamazing,butit'salsoterrifying.Themomentyouadmittolovingsomeone,youadmittohavingalottolose,andit'struethatthesequestionsdoprovideamechanismforgettingtoknowsomeonequickly,whichisalsoamechanismforbeingknown,andIthinkthisisthethingthatmostofusreallywantfromlove:tobeknown,tobeseen,tobeunderstood.ButIthinkwhenitcomestolove,wearetoowillingtoaccepttheshortversionofthestory.Theversionofthestorythatasks,'Areyoustilltogether'andiscontentwithayesornoanswer.
Soratherthanthatquestion,Iwouldproposeweasksomemoredifficultquestions,questionslike:HowdoyoudecidewhodeservesyourloveandwhodoesnotHowdoyoustayinlovewhenthingsgetdifficult,andhowdoyouknowwhentojustcutandrunHowdoyoulivewiththedoubtthatinevitablycreepsintoeveryrelationship,orevenharder,howdoyoulivewithyourpartner'sdoubtIdon'tnecessarilyknowtheanswerstothesequestions,butIthinkthey'reanimportantstartathavingamorethoughtfulconversationaboutwhatitmeanstolovesomeone.
因此相对这个问题，我建议大家问一些更深的问题，比如：你如何确定谁值得你爱？谁不值得？当遇到困难时你如何维系爱情，你如何判断何时该分手，各走各的路？你如何处理每段感情都可能出现的信任问题，甚至比这更难一点，你如何处理伴侣的不信任？我不一定知道这些问题的答案，但我认为，我们以更加成熟的方式来讨论爱情会是一个不错的开始。
So,ifyouwantit,theshortversionofthestoryofmyrelationshipisthis:ayearago,anacquaintanceandIdidastudydesignedtocreateromanticlove,andwefellinlove,andwearestilltogether,andIamsoglad.
当然，如果你们坚持想要知道我的爱情故事缩略版，我满足你们：一年前，我和一个熟人进行了一次实验，看爱情能否被制造出来，结果我们相爱了，现在也没有分开，我非常开心。
Butfallinginloveisnotthesamethingasstayinginlove.Fallinginloveistheeasypart.Soattheendofmyarticle,Iwrote,'Lovedidn'thappentous.We'reinlovebecauseweeachmadethechoicetobe.'AndIcringealittlewhenIreadthatnow,notbecauseitisn'ttrue,butbecauseatthetime,Ireallyhadn'tconsideredeverythingthatwascontainedinthatchoice.
Ididn'tconsiderhowmanytimeswewouldeachhavetomakethatchoice,andhowmanytimesIwillcontinuetohavetomakethatchoicewithoutknowingwhetherornothewillalwayschooseme.Iwantittobeenoughtohaveaskedandanswered36questions,andtohavechosentolovesomeonesogenerousandkindandfunandtohavebroadcastthatchoiceinthebiggestnewspaperinAmerica.ButwhatIhavedoneinsteadisturnmyrelationshipintothekindofmythIdon'tquitebelievein.AndwhatIwant,whatperhapsIwillspendmylifewanting,isforthatmythtobetrue.
我没有考虑，有多少次我们本应该下定决心相爱，以及在不知道对方是否选择我的前提下，未来我还需要下多少次决心。我希望通过36个问题的问和答，通过选择一个如此慷慨、善良、风趣的人相爱，通过将我的选择在全美最大的报纸上曝光，已经足够我认定这个选择了。然而我所做的却是将我的爱情变成了一个我自己都不怎么相信的神话故事。我现在追求的，也许我一辈子都会去追求的，就是让这个神话成真。
Iwantthehappyendingimpliedbythetitletomyarticle,whichis,incidentally,theonlypartofthearticlethatIdidn'tactuallywrite.
ButwhatIhaveinsteadisthechancetomakethechoicetolovesomeone,andthehopethathewillchoosetolovemeback,anditisterrifying,butthat'sthedealwithlove.
但是我有机会去选择我爱的人，也希望他能爱我，这事儿挺让人害怕的，但这就是爱情。
Thankyou.
谢谢大家。
1.Giventhechoiceofanyoneintheworld,whomwouldyouwantasadinnerguest
如果可以在世界上所有人中任意选择，你想邀请谁共进晚餐？
2.WouldyouliketobefamousInwhatway
你想成名吗？想以什么方式成名？
3.Beforemakingatelephonecall,doyoueverrehearsewhatyouaregoingtosayWhy
4.Whatwouldconstitutea“perfect”dayforyou
对你来说，“完美”的一天是什么样的？
5.WhendidyoulastsingtoyourselfTosomeoneelse
你最近一次独自唱歌是什么时候？对着别人唱呢？
6.Ifyouwereabletolivetotheageof90andretaineitherthemindorbodyofa30-year-oldforthelast60yearsofyourlife,whichwouldyouwant
如果你能活到90岁，在你人生最后60年里，你想拥有30岁时的大脑还是身体？
7.Doyouhaveasecrethunchabouthowyouwilldie
是否曾经预感到自己会以怎样的方式死去？
8.Namethreethingsyouandyourpartnerappeartohaveincommon.
举出你和我的三个共同之处。
9.Forwhatinyourlifedoyoufeelmostgrateful
在你的人生中什么让你最感激？
10.Ifyoucouldchangeanythingaboutthewayyouwereraised,whatwoulditbe
如果你能改变你成长的方式，你会去改变什么
11.Takefourminutesandtellyourpartneryourlifestoryinasmuchdetailaspossible.
用四分钟，尽可能详尽地告诉对方你的人生经历。
12.Ifyoucouldwakeuptomorrowhavinggainedanyonequalityorability,whatwoulditbe
如果你明天一觉醒来，拥有了某种新的特质或者能力，那会是什么呢
13.Ifacrystalballcouldtellyouthetruthaboutyourself,yourlife,thefutureoranythingelse,whatwouldyouwanttoknow
如果水晶球能告诉你关于你自己、你的人生、未来或者任何其他事情的真相，你想知道什么？
14.Istheresomethingthatyou’vedreamedofdoingforalongtimeWhyhaven’tyoudoneit
有没有什么事是你一直梦想去做而没有去做的，为什么没有做？
15.Whatisthegreatestaccomplishmentofyourlife
你人生最大的成就是什么？
16.Whatdoyouvaluemostinafriendship
友谊中你最珍视的是什么？
17.Whatisyourmosttreasuredmemory
你最珍贵的记忆是什么？
18.Whatisyourmostterriblememory
你最糟糕的记忆是什么？
19.Ifyouknewthatinoneyearyouwoulddiesuddenly,wouldyouchangeanythingaboutthewayyouarenowlivingWhy
如果你知道一年后你会突然死去，你会改变现在的生活方式吗？为什么？
20.Whatdoesfriendshipmeantoyou
友谊对你意味着什么？
21.Whatrolesdoloveandaffectionplayinyourlife
爱情和感情在你的人生中起了什么作用？
22.Alternatesharingsomethingyouconsiderapositivecharacteristicofyourpartner.Shareatotaloffiveitems.
和你的搭档轮流说出心目中对方的一个优点，每人说五条。
23.HowcloseandwarmisyourfamilyDoyoufeelyourchildhoodwashappierthanmostotherpeople's
你的家人之间关系是否亲密而温暖，你觉得自己的童年比其他人更快乐吗？
24.Howdoyoufeelaboutyourrelationshipwithyourmother
你觉得你和母亲的关系怎么样？
25.Makethreetrue“we”statementseach.Forinstance,“Wearebothinthisroomfeeling...“
每人用“我们”造三个句子，必须是真实的事情，比如“我们俩同在这间房间里，感觉……”
26.Completethissentence:“IwishIhadsomeonewithwhomIcouldshare...“
27.Ifyouweregoingtobecomeaclosefriendwithyourpartner,pleasesharewhatwouldbeimportantforhimorhertoknow.
如果你想和对方成为亲近的朋友，请告诉对方有什么重要的事情是他或她需要知道的。
28.Tellyourpartnerwhatyoulikeaboutthem;beveryhonestthistime,sayingthingsthatyoumightnotsaytosomeoneyou’vejustmet.
告诉对方你喜欢他或她身上的什么东西，要非常诚实，说些你不会对萍水之交说的东西。
29.Sharewithyourpartneranembarrassingmomentinyourlife.
30.WhendidyoulastcryinfrontofanotherpersonByyourself
你上次在别人面前哭是什么时候？自己哭呢？
31.Tellyourpartnersomethingthatyoulikeaboutthemalready.
告诉对方，你已经喜欢上了他或她身上的什么品质。
32.What,ifanything,istooserioustobejokedabout
你觉得什么东西是严肃到不能开玩笑的，假如有的话。
33.Ifyouweretodiethiseveningwithnoopportunitytocommunicatewithanyone,whatwouldyoumostregretnothavingtoldsomeoneWhyhaven’tyoutoldthemyet
如果今晚你要死了，却没有机会和任何人联络，你最后悔没有告诉某人什么事？你为什么到现在为止没有说呢
34.Yourhouse,containingeverythingyouown,catchesfire.Aftersavingyourlovedonesandpets,youhavetimetosafelymakeafinaldashtosaveanyoneitem.WhatwoulditbeWhy
假设你拥有的全部东西都在你的房子里，现在房子着了火，救出家人和宠物之后，你还有机会安全地冲进去最后一次，取出最后一件东西，你会拿什么，为什么？
35.Ofallthepeopleinyourfamily,whosedeathwouldyoufindmostdisturbingWhy
家中所有的人中，谁去世了会让你最难过？为什么？
36.Shareapersonalproblemandaskyourpartner’sadviceonhowheorshemighthandleit.Also,askyourpartnertoreflectbacktoyouhowyouseemtobefeelingabouttheproblemyouhavechosen.
说出一件你遭遇的很私人的问题，问对方会如何解决。另外，也要让对方告诉你，在他/她看来，你选这个问题时心里是怎样的感觉。