Anditismorethanenoughtoreducemetoaquiveringmass.Itooksixhoursofnapsyesterday.Icouldbarelythinkstraight.Igotallqueasyandweak.(Antidote:Eatconstantly.)TwingesofpainweresosharpIactuallywhimperedorbarkedlikeamiffedchihuahaandspontaneouslyclosedthelefteye.AshappenswheneverIgetsick(alwaysbeforealongweekend),Icouldnolongerrememberbeingwell.
I’mspostabeanoldhandatthissortofthing,hangin’asIdowiththecripples.ButthenIrememberedthatsimplecoldsaremuchmoreincapacitatingtomydearcripplefriendsthantheirextantdisabilities.RememberHankRollins’manyessaysonhowmanynotcheshewasbroughtdownbyatinyrotator-cuffinjuryThiswasmyweekendinanutshell.Exceptitwasallconcentratedinthecartilageofoneear.
ApparentlyIamamorefragileandvulnerablebiologicalorganismeventhanIhadsuspected.
2002.05.13
TalkedwithSullenFaggacino(Iadorehim,butheisalow-fatchilleddrinkandheknowsit)atBrewedthismorningabouthowBuckRogersinthe21stCenturypsychologicallypreparedmefortechno.Ithinkitwasour“comingout”moment.
2002.05.12
2002.05.09
DidaGOTransitwayfindingreportandhaveotherironsinthefire.Ottawatripwillsoonberecounted.
2002.05.03
2002.04.30
Issue187(April11–24)addedVersailles-calibrepalaceintriguetotheappeal.
Nowimagineanentire“gayscenemagazine”cateringtothem.It’sanunendinglitanyofbadtaste,provingonceandforallweareactuallycapableofit.
YoucanblameJohnKennedy,thearrivistewhoredefined“lightintheloafers.”Fortunately,hisreignoferrorwasbroughttoamercifulendbyFab“presidentandpublisher”MichaelSchwarz.Inhisfirstandonlyapparentactofhands-oninvolvement,hewrote:
DearReaders,
ThisisJohnKennedy’sfinalissue.[Thatis,Ifiredhimandwon’tlethimtellyouhimself.]Therehasbeenmuchspeculationoverwhyfab[sic]decidedtoterminateJohn’scontract,butyouwon’tfindthejuicydetailshere[butjuicytheyare].Itsufficestosaythatournewfocuswillbemorepositive[,youbitch].
Johnstartedwiththemagazineoverfiveyearsagoasacontributorandeventuallytookoveraseditor.Inthattime,hehasinformed,amused,andinfuriatedmanyinourcommunity.[...]
Now,whatwasSchwarzsaying
RobWilson’swritingstylefor“MediaWatch”improvedtothepointthatitbecamevirtuallyindistinguishablefromJohn’sown.
It’stoomuchtoimagine.It’stoo...much...toimagine.
AspartandparceloftheRobWilsonbody-snatch,JohnKennedywaswidelybruitedasaFranksnitch.(I’vesnitchedforFrankonseveraloccasions,butitnevergetspublished!Argh!)Schwarzalludesthatsuchvilescuttlebuttisinfacttrue.
[W]ehavehiredaverytalented,experienced,andprofessionaleditor-in-chief,namedMitchelRaphael(pronouncedraif-fell[no,itisn’t])...Heissmart.Heissexy.Heisnice.Iam,andyoushouldbe,lookingforwardtoaninterestingandintelligenteditorialbalancedwithhumourandhumility.
Howoftendoyoufindapublisherwhodeploystransvestite-calibreinnuendotodefameaneditorhealreadyfired(Orwhosecontractwas“terminated,”asyouwish.)
AndcananyonerememberMichaelSchwarz’sbylineanywhereelseinthemagazine–ever
We’renotdoneyet!
Alongtwoweekspass.Issue188(April25–May8)finallyclogsthefloorsbythedoorwaysofinvert-infestedcoffeehouses.TWINKSARETOPSTOOshrieksthecoverheadline,ababybicuspidoffangtooffsetfivefullyearsofhigh-school-dropoutcovermodels.(Notlikethebarely-legalE-baitladrightalongsidethatheadline,shurely!)
Page5includesanamusingRETRACTION:“[John]KennedyisnotcurrentlyaphotographerorcorrespondentforFrank,andsayshehasnoplanstobe.fab[sic]regretstheerror.”
Ah.Heisn’tbeatinghiswifenow,andpromiseshewon’tinthefuture.ButwhataboutthepastKennedyisnot,afterall,currentlyastringerforFrank.Currently.
WhileIwasat[LordTubbyofFleet’s]NationalPost,myideaswerenevercensored.Ideeplyappreciatededitor-in-chiefKenWhyte’srespectforadiversityofopinions,puttingupwithmyspikedhairandallowingmychick-with-dickstorytorunwithapic[chick-dickpic].
Butnowhe’sreallytearingshitup.FabIssue188shockedthehelloutofme.Youmeanthedyingpatientfinallygotabraintransplant
Severedemeritpoints,however,foranotherrepetitionofabaldfacedlie:KamalAl-Solayleetellsusyetagainthat“sexuality...isafluidthing.”Itfuckingisnot.Idon’tseealotofstraightguysgettingfluidlytoppedbycover-boytwinks.There’sawholeothernameforthosebesetwith“fluid”sexuality:Bisexualists.Keepyoursexualfluidstoyourself.
Iguessthekeyistohirejusttherightjumped-upwhitetrash.ItallaugurswellforMitchelRaphael.
2002.04.26
2002.04.24
2002.04.21
OnTuesday,April22,I’llbeinOttawatogiveevidencetotheHouseofCommonsStandingCommitteeonCanadianHeritage,onaccessibilityprovisionsintheBroadcastingAct.Itmayeventuallybetelevised.
2002.04.20
It’sspringtimeandI’mthekindofmanwhorideshisbikeinthewinter,sowhythehellamItakingthesubwayeverywhere
Iwalkin.“Loveyourhat,”oneofthegirlstellsme.Andapparentlymeansit.
SojustGIVEINALREADY.Whenyoubumpintojailbaitgirlsinlowriderjeansandblousonsknottedvirtuallyatthesternum,fuckingwelllookatthem.Itain’tgonnakillyou.
Haveyouhadaprostate-poundingcommitmentceremonytoday
IknowIneedtohandwritemore,andIknowIcouldnotfindasingleexampleofthesecherisheditemsforthreefullyears,butwhydidIhavetobuyfourItalianPignanotebookstodayEvenatonly$3.90or$4.50each
Invertsarenotoriouslyunabletomanagetheirmoney.
Oh,andinterestingfactoidformyslaveringfans:Basedoncarefulanalysisoffilerequests,thishumbleWebloghasnomorethan42regularreaders,someofwhichareactuallymeinthedisguiseofvariousbrowsersusedintesting.
IalwaysknewIwasunpopular,but.
2002.04.19
AtthecornerofYongeandWellesley–theSt.MarcSpacorner–at4:00intheafternoon,averyfitandwell-proportionedstrawberryblond,dressedintanktopandshortsinrespectofthehotweather,teetereddownthesidewalkinHollywood-styleexaggeratedintoxication.
Ifigureditwasmyoldfriend.He’srecognizablefrombehind.He’srecognizablefromtwoblocksaway.Butyoudon’tgettoseeactualstaggeringmuchanymore,notevenwithstereotypicaldrunkenIndians.Andyoudon’texactlyseeravishingredheadsstaggeringallthatoften,either.
ThebiomechanicsweresuchthatplantingonefootwasOK,buthegotdistractedwiththenextfootandweakwiththehip,zippingtwopacesintheweakdirection.Iwonderedifhe’dactuallyfallover.
Iwalkedrightby.Yup,it’shim.Igavehimalongglanceovertheshoulder,feelinglikeanAmishwomanorahijabiinmyhatandshades.(I’mallegedlydark-skinnedandI’mthesunphobe;he’sred-hairedandfreckledandwalksaroundinhisunderwear.)Icarryon,thoughIfigureIshouldn’t,butI’mnotabouttodoa180andaskhimwhat’sup.TheWoman’sIntuitiontoldmetostandstillhalfwaydowntheblock.
–You’reahealth-careprofessional.Doyouthinkourfriendhereisstoned,orepilepticIasked,graspingatstraws.
Thehealth-careprofessionalseemedprettyfrazzled,byhisjobandnotbyme,andtookastepback.
–BecauseIknowhim,andhe’snotusuallylikethis.
–YouknowhimYoucouldtalktohim.
ItwasadvisedthatIcouldask“ourfriend”howheis.
Iblinkedandtherehewasrightoutinthestreettalkingtosomeonethroughacarwindow.Thelastthingweneedisaredheadgettingwaffle-ironedattheepicentreoffagville.(Itseemedanunlikelybutpossibleprospect.Iamnotembroideringhere.)Heploppedhimselfdownontheplanterledgeoutsidethedrugstore.Alongsidehimsatsomegirlcarryingonaconversationwithafellowstandingup.Didheknowthem
Isatdownnexttohim.AreyouallrightIaskedhimbyname.
–I’mhorny.AndI’mdrunk,hesaid.
Onthenextbreathin,Iwaslike,Yeah,youare.
–I’mhorny.AndI’msinglenow,hereveals.
–Ijustsawyouwalkrightintothestreetthere.
–YeahWasthatonYongeSt.
–No,Itoldhim,rightherejustaminuteago.(Notagoodsign.)
–DoyouthinkyoushouldgohomeIaskednonaggressively.Youlivearoundhere
–Ilivefartherawaythanyou,hemutteredaggressively.
–Probably,Itoldhim,goingalong.
–IliveatKingandBathurst,heslurred,leaningintomeandusingthefirstandonlyFrenchaccentI’deverheardfromhim.
–DoyouthinkyoushouldgetinacabIaskednonaggressively.
–Yeah,hesaid.You’rebeingkind,hesaid,pawingmywristandcomplimentingmy“beautifulpenis”–sightunseen.
SoIaskedhimifhehadenoughmoneytotakeacabhome.Hemutteredyesandgavemeanotheronce-over.IknowforafactI’veneverlookedthisgoodtohim.Willhefeelthesamewayifheisn’tshitfacedBasedonexperience,no.
Aftersomefurthermanhandling,whosetakingplaceinpublicIsomehowdon’tmind,hegotuponhisfeet,draggingmebythehand.Whoa,holdmyhand,hesaidtooloudlyacoupleoftimes,thenturnedaroundtotheostentatiouslyuninterestedgirl(stillthere,thoughhermanhadleft)andtoldherit’sOK,I’mahomosexual.I’mahomosexual,too,Ireassuredher(droppingthe-ist).We’reamatchedpair,Itoldmyfriend,whowasstillloudlyyammeringaboutholdingmyhand.Straight-linetravelremainsoutofthequestion.
–Ifyouweresober,I’dholdyourhand,Itoldhim.
Rightatthecorner,IexhibitmarvelousshamelessnessasIwishhimwellandleave,hearinghimbellow“Iloveyou!”loudenoughtowakeabathhouse.
AfteraquickstopatThisAin’t,Icrossthestreetandthereheisagain.Heclaimstoremembermynamethistime(afterItellhim).Iunwiselystartuptheroutineofcabbinghimhome.“Jason!”hebellowsathispassingraver-kidfriend,grabbinghimbodilybythecellphone.
–Howareyouhedemands.
–I’mOK,Jasonsays,tryingtoprisehishandaway.I’vegottogonow.
Inoticethehalf-healedsetofthreethree-inchscratchesontheleftreardeltoid.Where’dtheycomefrom
Heasks,insomanywords,whyIcare.I’mbeginningtowondermyself.There’snowayhe’sgoinghomeexceptunderhisownpower,asoberingthought.Imaginehimcrossingstreetcartracksonayellowlight.
Shortlyhewalksaway,hikinguphistanktop.Youwanttoseemytitsheasks,showingmehisabsinstead.(They’recountable.Athisage.)Outcomethenipples.AroundofapplauseforMark,Isaywithmanifestdryness.
ItoccurstomethisisthesortofthingScottThompsontalksaboutwhenhecomplainsfagsdon’tlookoutforeachother.Itfurtheroccurstomethataskingtwiceaftertheman’swelfarewouldbedismissedascodependencyorsavioursyndromebyanyfag(thatwouldbemostofthem)indoctrinatedbypsychotherapy.Gettinggropedandgettingflashedshouldbeadreamcometrue,butI’vehadbeautifulfriendsbefore,andhereitdidnothing.Hewasnot,afterall,himself.
Andanyway,I’moldschool,I’mvanilla.I’veaskeddrunkenIndiansifthey’reallright.Inmyfull-onveilandsunglasses,IwillcontinuetoactAmishandMuslim.
Igiveupandpasshimheadingsouth.HepullshimselfupthestairsatCrews.Shutup,Joe,hetellsme.Oh,I’malreadythere,Ithink.
It’salongwaydownfromyourOlympicmedal.
2002.04.15
2002.04.14
2002.04.10
“SeeTarzan,hearJane.”
2002.04.08
Butforfrigsakes!YourledeshouldnotbeI’mGonnaBuyMeaBMW!We’reallbitterqueens.Weallcamefromdirtandwewantniceupper-middle-classthings.We’rematerialistic.Weliketolive.SowewouldhavebeenhappytospotHoldenCaulfield’sLover,likespottinghimafiver,onthehubrisofexpectingtokeepa“lakesideapartment”andanSUVwereitnotforthegratuitoushubrisofassertedBMWentitlement.
Everyoneshouldhaveahome,andeveryonewhoneedsoneshouldhaveacar.Ifyoucanaffordanicehomeandanicecar(someToyotasarenicerthansomeBMWs),thengoforit.Butdo...not...gloat.Immodesty,thoughavenialsin,raiseshackles.
I’vebeenonlineathirdofmylife.There’sbarelyanythingimportantaboutmethatisn’tonline.Amongotherstratagems,leadwithyourbadpressandyourcriticsgotnothingonyou.CarryonyourlifelikeaninverseFahrenheit451,withyourWebsitesasanexteriorizedpersona,andyougotthepower.
2002.04.07
2002.04.06
Whilstparadingabouttowninclassicfucked-in-the-head-Webloggerstylee,Ioccasionallycatchsightofmyselfinthevarioushallsofmirrorssetupinhomosexualistestablishments(allthebetterforjuvenileself-adoration).IalreadyknowIhaveanosethat’sthebastardchildofBobHopeandRichardNixon.IwasafraidtodoaDNAtestonRobertoBenigniincaseheturneduppositivetoo.
Butunlikeagrownmanfacingtheshockingnewsthathe’sadopted,hereIamatleastfullywelcomingtherealizationthatSystemofaDown’sArmenian(tautological,shurely–they’reallArmenian!AtomEgoyanevenAtomEgoestotheirshows!)heavy-metalcroonerSerjTankianandIhavetheverysamenose:
2002.04.01
2002.03.28
Theauthorcourtsfurtherridicule(INFULL-ONFUCKED-IN-THE-HEAD-WEBLOGGERSTYLEE)byadmittinghefindscuteJewishyredheadruntSethGreennot-unravishing.
Strikesagainstmehere
WhatfactscanImarshalinmyowndefense
Soshootme.Jeez.
2002.03.26
Ienjoyedasuperexclusiveplayainterludetoday.Awhileago,Ihadbeencold-ICQed(atermwecanaddtothevocabalongwithcold-calledandcold-snatched)byafellowwhorunsaWebconsultancyhereintheprovinceofToronto.I’dneverheardofthem.Itstandstoreason:TheirofficeisupatBathurstandEglinton.DoesthatmakethemJewishYes.AndRussian!
B.’ssitereadslikeatransliteratedRussianaccent.HeneededitrewritteninfluentEnglish.Afterseveralmessagesandphonecalls,itbecameclearhethoughtthisjobwasworthonlythreehundredbucks,afeeIfoundsimplyadorable.
Butwehadadealthatwewouldhaveespressothenexttimehewasdowntown.I’mreadingthepaperwaitingforhimtoshow,wonderinghowI’mgoingtomanagetheblind-dateaspectsofthismeeting,whenIspotagunmetal-greyCherokeedoinganinstantUieonthestreetoutside.Thedriver,infull-onblackplayaclothes(distinguishableeventhen),justwavesbehindhimandforgesahead.LikedrivinginMoscow,shurely!
He’sreasonablyhandsome.Icouldhavelookedlikehimwithadifferentnoseandsomethingapproximatingafullheadofhair.Goodblackshoes,gooddark-greypants,anexcellentblackturtleneck,andatotalplayajacket,inoff-black,madeofoneofthosedeliciousleatherettematerialsthatcostyoutwiceasuggestedrewritefee.(“It’sArmani.”)
B.advisesmethatIshouldlookintooffshoreCaymanIslands–stylebankaccounts.Itellhim“Yousay‘Russian’and‘Jewish’tome,andoneotherwordcomestomind.”Ifurtherteachhimtheterm“greyarea,”whichmightbeusefulforhimandhisfriends.
Now,I’msureyourlifeismostlyfabulous.Really,morepowertoyou,butsomeofusarehappybeingvanilla.(Vegansandstraightedgersarefundamentalists.Trymultiplyingthosetogetherandseewhatyouget.)Butyoutellmeifyou’veeverdonethiskindofthing:
Vazzup,playatovarishch
2002.03.23
1?cups
long-grainwhitericeUsewhatyou’vegot.Viabletousecheapestsupermarketvariety.Basmatiworks;jasmineexcels.Canuseleftoversmidgensfromricebags,includingarborioforyourisottoqueens.
1can
coconutmilkShopcarefully.Somebrandsareatoncewateryandmucosal.Mr.Gouda’sisreliable(nopreservatives,amongotherthings).Makeverysureyourcansloshesandgurgleswhenyoushakeit.Petrifiedcoconutmilkisthedevil’ssputum.
4cups
water
scant?cup
sugar
pinch
saltKoshersalt,ofcourse,pinchedfromnearbyopenramekin.Or,ifyou’refromtheMaritimes,pouredoutofashaker.Nobody’slooking.
2Tbsp.
oilOr1Tbsp.butter,margarine,orshortening.Donotomit:Controlsfoaming.We’realreadyonestepawayfromthedevil’ssputumhere;youdon’twanthimfoamingatthemouth,too.
Andnowthemostimportantingredient:Apressurecooker.Combineallingredientsbutriceincooker.Rinserice,butdon’tbotherdoingitobsessively;despitewhatcookbookstellyou,itisimpossibletorincerice“untilwaterrunsclear.”Addtomix.
Locklidinplace.Bringtohighpressure.Reduceheattominimumlevelneededtomaintainthatpressure.Cook8minutes.
Extremelyimportantsubsequentstep:Ordinarily,inpressurecooking,onequick-releasessteambyusingtheperfectlysafeandhigh-techvalveonthelid.Dothishereandyouwillaquablastthewallsofyourkitchenwithsteam-hotdilutedcoconutmilk.Spraywillexpandparabolicallyinatleastaone-metreradius.Theprojectilevomitingoftripletswiththestomachfluiseasiertocleanup.
Instead,removefromheat.Letpressurecookersitthere,unadjusted,foranynecessarylengthoftime.(Nothingwillovercookorburn.)Orimmerseinwaterand/orruncoldwateroverlid(atypicalquick-releasetechnique)withoutopeningthevalve.(Pressurecookerwillremainperfectlysafe.Thevalveisalreadyslightlyopenduringcooking,rememberYouhavenotadjustedthevalve,andyou’relesseningthepressure,notincreasingit.)
Whenthesafetyinterlockdrops,openlid.Addanyofthefollowing:
Abitofmaplesyrpleworkswonders,butaddonlytoindividualbowls.
Leftoverswillhavesolidifedthenextday.Steamingworksbest,buttendstoleavetendrilsofricepuddinginyoursieveforuptoseveralweeks.Nukingmaywork.Orjuststirthebejeezusoutofitinasospin.
Downside:Coconutsandavocadosarenearlytheonlyvegetablescontainingsaturatedfat.Coconut-milkricepudding,therefore,isnearlytheonlyvegandishthat’sbadforyourheart.Butoccasionalconsumptionisharmlessforhealthypeople.Andbesides,thisshitowns.
Takeinevitablenapaftereating.
2002.03.20
Also,youareobligedtoloadupokrawitheitherbuttery-subtlerice(buttery–noactualbutter,please)orthermonuclearspiceassortments.Nosissypantsokrainthehouse.Wouldn’tbePUNKROCK.
2002.03.15
(TotaldatasetfromtheTVresultsisthetopfiveperformersineachcategoryonly,noteveryonewhofinished.Themen’s“open”competitionquiteobviouslyinvolvesself-selection:Theover-40andover-50mensticktotheirowncategory.Ineffect,“WomenOpen”means“allwomencompeting”while“MenOpen”means“menunder40.”)
(Datasetherearethetopten.)
Arecruitwitha93%ratingisobviouslyaqualifiedfirefighter.Or,ifyouwant,setthebarat95%andtakeeveryonewiththatratingandabove.Ifmorerecruitsareavailablethancanfitintheslots,pickthegirlsandminoritiesfirst;youhavealreadyeliminatedtheargumentthattheyaren’tqualified,whichistheonlycredibleargumentagainstaffirmativeactioninthisapplication.(We’renotrevisitingthesinsofthepastonthemenofthepresent;eithertheymakethe95%minimumortheydon’t.Andifnowymmynzorminoritiesmakethecut,youdon’thavetohireany.)
WhatIwanttosee:Morethenonewomanfirefighterinthesamehouseonthesameshift(onthesameapparatus,even).Andtheabsoluteeliminationoftheallegedlygenericandnon-ironicuseofthetermfiremen.
Bourdain’ssupportablepoint,madeoverandoveragaininhisbooks(includingthenewACook’sTour),holdsthatvegetariansdon’tknowhowtocookvegetables.Dotheyevernot.Heardofroasting,anyoneEverybraisedanythinginyourfrigginglives
BourdaindoesinfactTourtheworldasaCook,engagingintrulyqueasyingculinaryspectaclesthatwouldbeharrowingeventoacarnivore.(He’sanunrepentantcarnivoreandevenhewasharrowed.Heputsonabravefacethatfinallyheknowswherehisfoodiscomingfrom,butthediscerningreaderknowsthetruth:He’sbeenunmannedandhasn’tlearnedfromtheexperience.)
Next
(“ChockFullo’Nuts,”shurely!)
Asfucked-in-the-headWebloggers,weareallsupposedtobemarginal,theunkoolkidzinschool,butontogenyreplicatesphylogenyandthereareunkoolkidzonourlittlelifeboat,too,whomIamgoingoutofmywaytobeniceto.Ialsoamtryingtothinkofplausiblegroupoutingsthatdonotrelatetokaraokeorbowling.
2002.03.14
Butwhatupwiththeurban-hipsterdramaticteenyrectangulareyeglassesThisisWinnipeg.
2002.03.13
2002.03.12
Really,it’sablinddate(andyouknowhowthosetendtoworkout)everysinglemonth,possiblyinvolvingactualblinddates,ifnotdeafones.
Governyourselvesaccordingly.
2002.03.09
Theramp...wasinstalledyearsagoforaone-timeevent,istoosteep,hasnohandrails,andisnoteasytogetto.ItellherthatWordsworthsaysthechurchisaccessible,withaprettygoodramp.Revealingamorehumanside,Lindatellsmehowsheneversaysthechurchisaccessible,thatWordsworthknowsbetter,andthatthestorehasbeenrentingthespaceforyears.Sheisclearlyupsetbybeingresponsiblefortalkingtowheelchairusersaboutaccessthatisnoaccess,whilerentersthinkthesituationisfine.
[She’s]offthehook.Quick,anewflyer:
Wordsworthhasbookedthisvenuewithcallousdisregardfortheaccessneedsofdisabledpeople.Thechurchdoesnotadvertiseitselfaswheelchairaccessible,becauseofasteepanddangerousrampthatdoesnothavehandrails.Itisdangerousforanywheelchairusertotrytoenterthischurch.Wordsworth,thebookingagency,and,ultimately,MichaelMoorebearresponsibilityforthisoutrage.Aninaccessiblevenueistheequivalentofa“WhitesOnly”establishment.Asprogressives,youshouldbeappalled.Wedisabledprogressivesexpecttobewelcomedateverypublicevent,andshouldnothavetopointouttheironyofsuchdiscriminationoccurringduringadiscussionofempowermentandtruedemocracy.
Highdudgeonindeed.Butwhatisourcriticmissinghere
Itwouldalsobeniceiftheauthor’spublisherarrangedforaudiotapeand/orBrailleversionsofthebookduringtheproductionprocess.(I’vetriedthismyselfanditisnotaseasyasshippingoverabookandpayinganinvoicelateron.Thetalking-bookserviceprovidersare,ingeneral,inept.)
Basedonmyownexperienceputtingonaccessibleeventsandwritingmanualsonhowtoputonaccessibleevents,youcannotexpectnon-expertstodoareallygoodjob.Norcanyougetangrywiththem,becausethey’reworkingfromapositionofignorance.Onlyorganizerswitharepeatedneedtoarrangeaccessibleeventsevermanagetolearnenoughtodoitright.
Ontheotherhand,youcanexpectnon-expertstodoapassablejob.
Itispossible,then,forittobequiteabothertomakeyourfirsteventaccessibleandasimplematterofmakingafewphonecallsforsubsequentevents.
2002.03.06
Metoo,andneitheramI!
Twoaudiosources:
Ormaybetheysecretlyhateit,butassumethatonlyrubeswoulddareadmitthat.
WhereisthefrontdoorDon’tfrontdoorshavetobeverticalThecrystalsmeetgradeatanangle.
Twohundredmilliondollars.Twohundredmilliondollars,andwhatwegetisakindofScotchontherocksofthegods.Idon’tthinkso.
2002.03.05
Hegoesontoedifyhisample,blond,self-satisfied,pamperedprincessgfunit:“‘Sukiyaki’iswhatImadefortheJapaneseGrandPrix.It’sbasicallyastew.”
Thanksforclearingthatup.
2002.02.25
It’snowbecomingeverhardertorecallatimewhentheredidn’texistthatpossiblymeaninglesstermtodescribeapossiblymeaninglessgroupofpeoplewhopossiblydon’texist.
LosAngelessociologistSusanLittwincalls[these]youngpeople...membersofthePostponedGenerationinher1986bookofthesametitle.Britishpunk-rockstarBillyIdolcallsthemGenerationX.
Thereafterinthearticle,CouplandusesthetermTypeX17times,Xbyitself32fulltimes,andGenerationXexactlyonce.ThatmakesatotalofthreeusagesofGenerationX(oneheadline,oneBillyIdolcitation,andonespontaneoususe).
Soitis,infact,prettyeasytopinpointwhenCouplandstartedtousethetermGenerationX:WhenhewrotetheVistaarticleforpublicationin1989.Andbyhisownadmission,hedidn’tcointhephrase.(Ifanything,thetermCouplandinventsisTypeX.)Presumablythe“timewhentheredidn’texist”thetermGenerationXcametoahaltwhenHamblettandDeversonwrotetheirbooknomorethanthreeyearsafterCouplandwasborn.
IntheDetailspiece,DouglasCouplanddownplaysthemonsterhecreated(“Inmyheadit’sonlyeverbeenabookIwrote”).Thathorsewon’thunt,andanyway,itsoundsmorelikeakindofpsychologicalprojection.He’sdenyingthatthetermGenerationXisparticularlyimportanttohimwhenhewouldhavebeenonstrongergroundadmittingitsoriginsinhisownjournalisticprehistory–andowninguptothefactthatthosetwosimplewordsmadehim.
2002.02.19
KarrieJacobsistheeditrix.Ineverwroteforher,butIusedtoreadMetropolis,herNuevaYork–centricdesignbroadsheet,circa1989.(Iseemtorecallaveryyoung,impossiblysmartandtalentededitornamedHugo.HasanythingbadeverhappenedtothisladAndwhycan’tItrackhimdownnow)She’sgotanoticeableanti-tweeapproachtodesign.Shewriteswithactualheart.Designisthesortofthingthatisactuallyliveddaybyday;itisnotsomethingmerelyniceforrichwankerstohave.
Here’saquestionforyou:IfKarimRashidproductsareasimportantaspeopleleton,couldsomeonepleaseexplainwhynobody,notevenhim,hascomeupwithagenuinelyeasy-to-useremotecontrol(It’sgottaworkforthecrips,too.)Whyissomuchinkspilledaboutmarginallydifferentiated,mass-producedmouldedplasticconsumerproducts,yetnothingconcerningreal-worlddesignproblemsYoucanmakethingslooknice,buttheyhavetoworkfirst.
Dwellseemsmoreinterestedintherealworld.Ortherealworldenjoyedbypeopleoneincrementluckier,richer,andmorefabulousthanyouandme.Peoplewholiveinprogressiveneighbourhoods,whichhasnothingtodowithacceptingalternativesexualismsandeverythingtodowithwelcomingModernistandpostmodernistconstructionstyles.
Thesepeopleareashardtolikeastheirhouse.I’montheirsideanyway,becausetheiruneducatedvulgarianneighoursattempttotakethemtocourtoversomeobscure“deedrestriction”:
TheLakesidesubdivision’sdeedrestrictionsstipulatethathomesintheneighbourhoodbebuiltwithso-calledtraditionalmaterials:Brick,brickveneer,stucco,orstone....Whatthehousedidhavewascorrugatedmetalandpolycarbonateplastic[tautology,shurely!–Ed.],andaccordingtothisnewly-formedneighbourhoodcoalition,theiruseviolatedthedeedrestrictions(and,byextension,tradition)....ButthesesamedeedrestrictionsalsostipulatedthatAfrican-Americanscouldnotliveintheneighbourhood.Sohowenforceablewasthisdocument
Not,obviously,andanyonewhoattemptstogetitenforcedisanoutrightracist,quiteapartfromalsobeingarube:“‘MyclientsandIareallcollege-educated,’[somelawyer]continues,unintentionallyrevealingwhatistrulyatissue–alackoffamiliaritywithcontemporarydesignthatoftengeneratesadefensiveresponse....‘We’renotaversetogoodarchitecture.’?”Notethatthedeedrestrictionsalsobanwoodandanykindofaluminumorvinylsiding.
Theownersofthishousearejustslightlybetterthanyouandme.Buttheiropponentsaresignificantlyworse.
Thearticle,however,totallysoldmeonthemadgeniuspayingallthebills,aformerMexican-onionfarmer(notethehyphen)namedKikiWallace.Amiddle-agedmannamedKikiWallace.Evenhisnameabutspostmodernconfectionagainsttimewornstructure.
2002.02.11
HowamusingtonotethatJonnowontheawardforwhichhesponsoredtheprize.Ifthefixwasin,whydidn’tIsweepthecategoryIactuallywanted–theonethatactuallymakessense
Meanwhile,thosebellsyouhearsignifythatanangeljustgothiswings.
2002.01.19
Why
iPointComputingclosed.“Unexpectedly.”Thewaysuccessfulsuicideattemptsaresaidtohave“diedsuddenly.”Itwasnosurprise:ThedayIpickedupGirlPower(2001.04.10),theirphonewasn’tworking.Iwonderwhy.
Thesuperblyunderstandingandmenschlikeservicemanagerexplainedthat,afteriPointwentmams-up,downtowndealerswereswampedwithservicecalls.Icounted26devicesonthefloorthatwerequeuedupaheadofme,andthemenschadded(twice!)thatanentirewallofshelvesandabackroomheldevenmoremachines.HeexpectedeightorninebusinessdayswouldpassbeforetheyevencrackedopenGirlPower.Iconsiderthatoptimistic.
Iamworkingontheassumptionthattheentireharddriveisf
2002.01.14
Ifindhimestimable.It’sthegoddamnedeyesandlips.WhyamIsosentimentalaboutthoseWhatkindofagirlamIturninginto
2002.01.13
Wasn’tthatmovingButagain,thatwasananswertoaverypragmaticquestion.“YouknowwhatItreachedtheworld.Howdowetellthatstory”
SomehowIstillenvisionTwoPianos,FourHands,butwithaddedliberalguilt.Iwanttoseeiftheyflubtheonscreentype.Itgenerallyis.
2002.01.12
ApartfromafieldofVikingsinfull-onturnoutcoatsandSCBA(appropriatelybreathtakingonbothcounts–notethe240-poundredheadinsuspendersandnoshirtcoolingoffunderfirehose),Iobservedwithfascinationthedifferenceincoursetimes:Fastestmandiditin1:19,thefastestwomanin2:26.Aminuteisalongfriggin’timeinaburningbuilding.WouldyouliketoeatfumesforthatextratimeIwonderwhatthecorrespondencemightbebetweenperformancehereandintherealworld.
Andasthefiremenz“challenge”comestoanend,attheotherendofthedial,Pridevisionrunsactualgayporn.Welcometodiversity.
Lateinthepreviouscentury,Iwroteacoupleofdumb-arserecordreviewsforDetails(“formen”),asubtitlethatwouldlatergothewayofthedodo.Myeditorwasthemumbling,self-aggrandizingnobodyGavinEdwards,whowouldgoontowritetwoimmortalbestsellersofmisheardsonglyrics.WheneverIwonderifIcouldhavesucceededbetterinjournalism,IremindmyselfthatsucceedinglikeGavinEdwardsissoverymuchworse.
Entoutcas,FairchildnowownsDetailsandsomekideditsit.Itstediouslyuninvitinghepcat-d00dcovers–JohnnyDepp,JudeLaw–neverthelessmarginallybeatoutthestrainedheterosexualismoftheladragsand,ofcourse,GQandEsquire,thelatterofwhichremainswell-writtenandaparagonofgraphicdesign.
Wegotsomegoodwriting,though.SeanElder:
Thephotographer.Intheshot.Theblond.
Jarmo,theFinnishstillsphotographer,ishere.Withhisdeeptan,silver-blondhair,andice-blueeyes,heresemblesoneofthosecyborgswhosescientist-creatorunveilshimwithaportentous“Gentlemen,mayIpresent...theperfectkillingmachine!”
ChristopherHitchens:“Aruleofthumbwithhumour:Ifyouworrythatyoumightbegoingtoofar,youhavealreadynotgonefarenough.”(Mrs.Krabappel:Ha!)“Ifeverybodylaughs,youhavefailed.”
Insuccessiveissues,wedealwithanudesaunaphotographofananorexicjockey,whoreallydoeslooklikehe’sabouttokeeloverdead,andabackshotofasolidly-buildmodelinpost-ablutionmode.Why,yes,thosearehairsontheshoulderandthatisbodycopytellingushowtogetridofit.“Back,neck,andshoulderhairismoreavoidablethanever”:Consideringwhatit’sattachedtohere,whygotoallthetrouble
Naturally,Ihaveacomplaint:Whentheygetmumbling,self-aggrandizingnobodyDegenPeneroutoftheentertainment-editorOhchair,thenwe’lltalk.
2002.01.11
–GuyGagnier.
–Yes
–IamJoeClark.
Probablyalsogetridofthecookingshows.Beyondthat,Iam,strangelyenough,abeliever.
Man,wasthewindblowinghard.Ihadtogo.Myteethwereclattering.
Nonetheless,it’snicetohavemethim.He’smuchmoreformidableinpersonthanhiscutesytelevisualappearancewouldsuggest,andwearelovingtheeyebrows.
Nextconquest:PaulDeBoy.Asfuckingif.
Ilovethisshit.
2002.01.10
Ilaughedforafullminute.
Andthenithitme:
ThepersnicketyoneTheApluralisinorderhere,shurely.
2002.01.09
Youknow,it’stimeslikethesewhereIreallywishIcouldreadGerman.
Thisweek,thefollowingphrasewaspluggedintomysearchenginefourfulltimes:
joeclarkisanassholestevechampeon
Iamhavingtroubleparsingthisone.Iamtreatingitasthoughstevechampeonisanounphrase(whichitis)andassholeasinadjective(whichitis).Iamreadingthesentencealongthelinesof“SteveNashisthe[Canadian[MichaelJordan]],”hence“JoeClarkisthe[asshole[SteveChampeon]].”
Tautological
2002.01.08
Mostoctoswilladapttofrozenfishorshrimpasaprimarydiet.Itisatonoffuntooccasionallyinvestinalivecrabandwatchyouroctogointo“Terminator”mode.Thatcrabwillneverknowwhathitit.Octosdon’treallylikefishthatmuchbuttheywilltakeadultguppiesorgoldfishasapleasantchangefromasteadydietoffrozenfishorshrimp.Youshouldplanonfeedingyouroctoatleasteveryotherday.Ifyouweretohavetwoormoreoctostogether,oranoctowithsomeotherreefcreatures,thenyoubetterfeediteverydaytobesafe.
God,Ilovesquid.Theyalsoterrifyme.
2002.01.07
Ouroperatingphilosophyfor2002combines:
SoIamputtingthepedaltothemetalthisyear.Iaminnohealthtrouble,butIwillactasthoughIam.Therewasalotof“blockage”in’01asIknewnewordersofprocrastination.AnotheryearlaterandIgetafreeintertextualbonusintheformofapun:Withtheblockagecomesgrowth.
Quitesimply,Iamgoingtofuckshitup.Markmywords.It’salreadyhappening.
2002.01.03
NewYear’sDayIsatdownwithmydatebookandmynon-cellularphoneandbeganmyofficialattemptsinreconnectingwiththemanywhohadfallenbythewaysideduring2001....IfinditverytellingthatWalleywasleavingavoicemailformeexplainingthatwhenshedoesn’thearfromgaymeninherlifeovertimeitroutinelymeansthey’vebecomedrugaddicts[or]drunks,oraredyingofAIDSwhileIwasleavingheramessageofmyown.Hernotingthatthepastninemonthsoftotalsilencewasnolongeracceptable,regardlessofwhatwasgoingon,speaksvolumestohowmuchshecaresaboutme.We’rehavingdinnertomorrownight.AsforwhenIcalledAuntKay,wholivesrighthereintheBayArea,herfirstwordswere,“You’reAlive!It’samiracle!”I’mimaginingthatyou’regettingthepicturethatI’mnotexactlyexaggeratingherebynow.Andno,people,I’mnotondrugs.I’mnotdrunk.I’mnotdyingofAIDS.
Thetruth,that’swhat.
2002.02.09
2002.02.07
“JudgeNumber1:5.9,”Isayashegetsrightupandflashesmeyetanothersmile.
Whatupwitdat,asIbelievetheyoungstershaveahabitofsaying
Itturnsouttheplantwasmerelyhavingfurnacetrouble,andfurnacemenswerethereworkingonit.Theecht-firemens-styledactingcaptain(grizzled,late50s,stachelikeahorse’smane)wrapseverybodyup.Ichatwithoneofthelads,whoconfirmsthatonemustdinglethefiremenswheneverblacksmokeisseen;itindicatesincompletecombustionofhydrocarbons.
Scripttypefacesaretonyahardingesquebecausetheyputonairs.Theyattempttojumpfromutilitarianismdirectlytoglitzwithoutpayinginterveningduesoreventakingupworkasagovernmentlobbyist.TheyleapfromnylonRaidersbomberjacket,jeans,andoff-brandsneakerstofringejacket,raccooneyemakeup,andsequins!sequins!sequins!
Becausethat’showfancypeopledress,right
Inonethelesshaveasoftspotforscriptfacesandwouldliketofigureoutawaytousethemproperly.ItisnotwidelyknownthatZapfChanceryisamagnificentexampleoftypefaceengineering.LaserWriterscameequippedwiththeMediumItalicvariant,ensuringsitstastelessuseongarage-saleflyersworldwideandconcealingthefactthatthefamilycontainsatleasteightvariants,includingsmallcaps.ItisentirelyfeasibletotypesetanovellainZapfChancery.Itisthatgood.
2002.02.02
Computerusersfallintotwoclasses:GAMBLERSandSURETHINGS.
AndhereIam,apathologicalworrierintheguiseofanSFwriter.Forme,theworryrevolvesaroundbackup.Ifearthecominginfopocalypse,thedaythatmyplaceisburgledandmyhalf-dozen-or-socomputersarestolen,thebigquake,thefire,theflood.Myfictionlostforever.Myfinancials,sopainstakinglyspreadsheeted,gone.Likewise,myE-textcollection,60,000archivedE-mailsgoingbacktotheearly’90s,and10GBofMP3s.Itakebackupseriously.
Mynetworkisbackeduptoa70GBtapeeverynight,andonceaweek,Iswapthetapeintoasafe-depositbox,alongwithabackupofmyVisoronabackupcartridge.Butthat’snotreallygoodenough–whatifthehemisphereisdestroyedThat’swhyIalsoencryptmydata–myentirebodyofwrittenwork,myfinancials,andanimageofmyVisor’sROM--anduploadittoaserverinAustraliaonceamonth.Justincase.
I’mhighlyopinionatedonthesubjectofbackup.Inordertobeaproperbackup,youmust:
Backupistricky.Usedtobe,Icouldbackupa10-computernetworkonan8GBtape.EverycomputerI’veboughtinthelast18monthshasshippedwithatleast10GBofhard-drive.It’sgettingharderandhardertofitawholenetworkontoonetape(andputtingitontotwotapesisanon-starter,sinceyou’llhavetoremembertoswapthetapesoncecassetteoneisfilled).Nottomentiongettingthatwholebackupaccomplishedovernight,whenyou’renotactuallyattemptingtouseyourcomputers.
Now,whatisanundiscussedironyofthe20thandindeedthe21stcenturyYoucanberichenoughtoownacomputerwithanetconnectionbuttoopoorforadequatebackupequipment.ThiscohortareGAMBLERS.Itisagenerallyreasonablegamble:
You’reactingrationallytorelyonthisgambleforshortperiods,butirrationallyinthelongrun.Evenspectacularlyunlikelyeventshavetheaudacitytohappen:Twodifferentprincessesdiedincaraccidentswithinthesamecentury.
Inmycase,the“shortperiod”wasninemonths.Myharddisccroaked,butitwasunderwarranty,anunusualoccurrence.WhyamImissingamonth’sdataIranoutofCD-RsandignoredtheWoman’sIntuitiontobuynewstock.
Butontheotherhand,Ihavemultiplebackupsofnearlyeverythingelse–morethanoneCD,archivesstoredonline,andtensofthousandsoffilesontheoldjalopycomputer.
Infact,inallmytimeinthiscity,theonlycomputerfilesIcannotputmyhandsondatefromtheDOSera(andallthoseavailableinthe’90swerecarefullyvettedandtransferredtothejalopy,soI’mnotmissingmuch)andthelastmonth.
Adequatehardware(a40GBFireWiredrive,plus400CDsayear)plusRetrospectwillrunabout$850withtax.Whilethisismerelyaday’sworkasahigh-pricedaccessibilityconsultant(ha!myspecialred-hairedfriendbillstwogrand!),itrequiresasparedayofwork.Properhardwarewouldcostasmuchasanewcomputer.
Richpeoplearesecure;therestofusrollthedice.Papaneedsanewpairofpumps.Thegamblinghaspaidoffsofar,butitseemsIambeingmadeanexampleof.
2002.01.30
2002.01.29
Tookmeamereeightplies.Child’splay,really.
OnceGooglerecachesthispage,theaforesaidwhackwillceasetoexist.
2002.01.27
Therearesome“falsefriends”[actuallyfalsecognates–Ed.]inEnglishandFinnish,i.e.,wordswhichlooksimilarinthetwolanguagesbuthavedifferentmeanings.Forexample,inFinnishgreippimeans‘grapefruit,’not‘grape.’(Thishascausedconfusionsliketranslationswhichtellaboutrodentswhichhavegreipinkokoisetaivot,‘grapefruit-sizebrain.’)
2002.01.25
2002.01.21
Ithasnowbeendecidedthatthetackyhigh-hairedstepcousinofcomputergraphics,CorelDraw,issortofpost-typographic,orpost-graphical.Itpinesforafutureworldinwhichallfurnitureisneongreenandeverypairofpantshasasetofstripesandacolumnofeasy-offsnapsontheside.
Oryousimplydon’tknowthedifference.
(Contraindication:TheilloswereoriginallycreatedinPhotoshop,withbackupvocalsbyKPT.Iamsettingasidethefactstomakeapoint.)
AndwhatdoIhavetodotogetakeystoneofmyownOfcourse,it’llhavetosayJ/O.(I’dwhiponeup,butImageReadyisstrandedonGirlPower.)