So,afewquickexplanationsforourabsence:
1.Wehavehadamonumentallyimportant30thbirthdaythismonth!Senteredthenextdecadewithfanfarethatincludedapopcornbar,afulllength,hightechFAMILYFEUDstylegame(withsoundeffects),engineeredbyD,andasignaturecocktailnamedafterher.WhatcanIsayCALIFORNIAHASNOTHINGONNEWJERSEYwhenitcomestoknowinghowtoparty.Andbelieveitornot,Sisanevenbetterfriendthansheisblogger,soshedeservedeverybitofourcrazycelebration.
IliveintheUNITEDSTATES.AboutasevenhourflightfromIsrael.And,myprofilesaysIamnotinterestedinrelocating.Sadly,Iamnotsureifhomeboyunderstoodmyprofile,becauseitisunclearifwehaveasharedlanguage.Hismessageread:
Ohyes,thatmakesperfectsense!Itsoundslikeyoureallyenjoyedreadingmyprofileandthatwehavethesametasteinmusic.
HowaboutdelicioussidesExcessivedrinkingPieUncomfortabledisagreementsaboutpoliticsInvasivequestionsfromrelatives
ThatlastthoughthasbeeninmyheadsincewepostedthisgemonTwitterlastweek:
“Aren’tyouafraidyou’llspendtherestofyourlifealone”
IwouldprobablyfliptheThanksgivingtable,
grabthestuffingandbounce.Becauseyowza,thatshitisoutrageouslyrude.AmIjustnaive,hereHasanyoneactuallybeenaskedthatquestion
Whohastwothumbsandismereweeksawayfromturningthebig3-0
Source:buzzfeed.com
Thisgirl.
Andwhoisalsofeelinglessandlesstechnologicallysavvytheoldershegets
Meagain!
(RIPMikeNichols.)
Thisbringsmetoacomicaldisplayofmyconfusion/generalcluelessness.
Jesus,nowIknowwhatmymommustfeellikewhenshecallsmetohelpherformatanExcelspreadsheet(loveyoumom,butMicrosoftOfficeisnotyourstrongsuit).
Why,HingeWhyyyyy.IflaggedpoorDdownagain.
Minuteslater,heresponded:
Fairquestion!Theanswerisabigfatresounding:
PSdoanyofyousinglereadersoutthereuseCMBorHingeIfyes,leaveacommentandtellusaboutyourexperience.AmImissingsomethingAmIdoingitwrong#old
Haveagreatweekend,readers!
Movingon.ThispastweekIreceivedthebelowinmyinbox:
WorrynomoreVictoriaGrayson,becausetonightIreallywilltellyouaboutmydate.ThisdatewasmyfirstJdateafterrejoiningthesiteinOctober.Ispentmyfirstcoupleweeksonthesitemakingfunofit,andnotdoingwhatIwassupposedtobedoing,likeupdatingmyprofileoransweringmessages,orlookingforpotentialmatches.
Thisparticulardude,whoIamknightingSirTalksAlot,forreasonsthatwillsoonbecleartoyou,seemedlikeyouraverageJoe(Or,sincewearetalkingJDatehere,morelikeyouraverageDavid.OrDaniel.OrMax.OrJosh.)Hewasinhisearlythirties,hadadecentjobatagovernmentagency,andmessagedmeaboutbenignthingslikemyjob,traveling,andmyhobbies.Hesuggestedmeetingupatoneofmyfavoritebarsthathasakillerhappyhourandanevenbetterbackpatio.
WhenIgottothebarIwaspleasantlysurprised.SirTalksAlotwaswaycuterinpersonthanhehadbeeninpictures.Imean,inonepicture,hehadbeensportingaFANNYPACK.Inanother,Tevasandsandals.Iliterallywenttothebarexpectingsomeonewhoresembledanervous,midwesterntourist.Instead,Iwasgreetedbyadecentlookingguywithglasses,wearingnormal,preppyclothes,sansfannypack.(Thankgod!).Now,aswehavediscussedpreviouslyontheblog,therearetwokindsofprofilepicturefraud.
SirTalksAlot,ontheotherhand,sharedabout1000things.Imean,atonepointIactuallywonderedifperhapsIhadshowedupforthewrongengagementandthisguythoughthewasmeetingwiththeaspiringauthorwhohasgoingtoghost-writehisbiography.AfewnuggetsIlearned:
Nowthereisnothingwrongwiththesenuggetsindividually,butstringthemtogether,andmultiplethemby100otherrandomfactsandthereyouhavemydate.
However,whenImetSirTalksAlotforthedate,InotedanIMMEDIATECURVEBALL.ThisguywaswearingTRANSITIONLENSES.
Forthoseofyouwhohavebeenluckyenoughtoavoidthisfashionphenomenonformostofyourlives,allowmetoshowyouanexample:
SeewhatMattiswearingThosearetransitionlenses.Thestatedgoalofsuchlensesistobeaonestopshopforpeoplewhowearglassestoseeandwhoneedtowearsunglassestoprotectfromthesun.Indoors,theyarereadingglasses.Outdoors,theyaresunglasses.Makessense,right
WRONG.
TheworstpartoftheseconddatewasthatSirTalksAlottalkedevenmorethanhehadonthefirstdate.Thistime,theconversationfeatured:
What.
The.
FUCK!
Onlinedatingdid.
IfyoufollowusonTwitter,youmayhaveseenateaserforthispost.
Notayearago;notthreemonthsago.
Twofuckingweeksago.
Andheneverresponded.
Ohitgetsbetter,readers.IclickedonmyfirstsentmessageandtomyhorrorrealizedthatnotonlydidImessagethesameperson,butImessagedhimABOUTTHEEXACT.SAME.THING.
WHY
HowdidInotrememberwritingthisWasIdrunkSleep-typingDidIblackout
LouisWinthorpeIII,Iknowhowyoufeel.
Moralofthestory:everybodyactsafoolsometimes.Thistimeitwasme.(OnaSaturdaynight.)
Yup,holdontoyourhatTimGunn,becausethereisadatepostcomingyourwayinacoupledays,anditfeaturesawholelitanyofcomplaints,includingsomeaboutwhatIconsideroneofmostseriousfashionfaux-pasofourtime.
Anyway,whenIsawJtoday,gettingoffthemetro.Itotallyfroze:
However,my(well-advised)fearofconflict/humiliatingmyselfmeansthatJgetstowalkaroundthisearth(ortobelessdramatic,NWDC)thinkingthathecanjustbeadoucheandnoonewillcare.
Now,enterthesolution:thesecretvigilantedatingtaskforce.Whatif,Icouldenlistvolunteers(presumablyotherscorned,righteousladiesandtheoddsassygayfriendortwo,ofcourse),todeliveranonymoushatetelegramstoJandtheothercreepsthathavecomebeforeandafterhim:
Backoftheenvelopecalculationsonpricingandservices:
Grouchketeeraskedmeoutagainadayortwoafterourfatedfirstmeeting,andIsaidyes.Thistimetheitinerarywasmuchmorenormal:dinnerandcheckingoutapopupparkinPhillythatwasabouttoclosefortheseason.Ijokedtheapparentnormalcyofthisdatecomparedtoourfirstone.
Me:Um,okayTalktoyousoon.
Me:Okay.Soundsgreat.
Wedrove,chattingamiably,untilInoticedaduffelbaginthecar.
Me(halfjokingly):Goingsomewhere
Me:Thatsoundsamazing.Ilovetheshore.
Me:Oh.Wow.Thanks,butIhaveplansthisweekend.
Grouchketeer:Okay,noproblem.Wasthatweirdofmetoaskyouthat
Me:HonestlyYes,alittlebit.
Me:Thanks.
Awkwardsilence.Somuchawkwardsilence.
Grouchketeer:Haveyoueverbeentoahookahbar
Me:Sure,beforeIwas21andcouldgetintoactualbars.
Sowewenttoahookahbar,likeacoupleof19yearoldswhosefakeIDshavebeenconfiscated.Itwasmostlyemptybecauseagain,hookahbaronaFridaynight.Wesmoked(greenappleflavor),enjoyedTurkishcoffeeandIproceededtodropthepowderedsugarontheTurkishdelightallovermytop,whichwasalreadylookinguniqueduetomymumble-inducedtableleaning.
Aspainfullyuncoolasitwas,therewereupsidestothehookahsituation.Firstofall,itwasempty,soitwasQUIET,whichmeantIcouldactuallyhearwhatWhispersVonMumblesonwassaying.Second,wewereliterallyonacouchcoveredinpillows,whichledtoaveryrelaxedvibethatwasconducivetochattingandflirting.Westayedatthatplaceforhourschatting,smokinganddrinkingandchatting.Despitetheweirdstart,date#2wasgoingprettywell.
FinallyIrealizeditwassuperlateandtheownersweregivingusthecuteyebecausewewerethelastpeoplethere.OnceagainGrouchketeerdrovemehome,andonceagainwemadeoutinthecarinthebikelaneoutsideofmyapartmentandthensaidgoodnight.
Iwaited10moreminutesandaskedhowitwasgoing.
Source:wifflegif.com
Anyway,asyoucanseeabove,therewasnotreaaaaallyevenanapologyinthattextfromhim;Irememberthatforsure.Sincemyragelevelhadofficiallyreturnedto:
Iwordvomitedaresponse:
Aaaaaaandscene.Literallythosewerethelastwordswesaid/wrotetoeachother.
EnteryouremailaddresstoreceivenotificationsofnewStuCuposts.