WhyareyousoseriousSurely,youmustbekidding.
Iwasfirstattractedbyherenergeticandenthusiasticpersonality.
Thefoundationofanysuccessfulmarriageisfaith.Inthesummerbeforemysophomoreyear,IentrustedmyselftoGodwiththisgoalanddesire:tofindmyfuturewife.
LittledidIknowIhadalreadymether.
AccordingtotheCatechismoftheCatholicChurchparagraph#150,
Ihadasolidfoundationtobuildmymarriageon.However,Iassumedthatmarriagewaseasy.Earlyoninmyownmarriage,Ilearnedhowdifficultitis.Lookingback,Irecallgettingintotoomanyargumentswithmywifeoverlittlematters(theyseemedbigatthetime).
TakingthingstooseriouslyandlettingmypridegetinthewaymadethefirstfewyearsofmymarriagelessblissfulthanIanticipated.Andthen2014hit.
Thiswastheyeareverythingcrumbled.
IwasangrywithGod.
Onthetoughestofdays,wesenteachotherfunnymemesortextedthehilariousthingsourkidssaid.Laughterisameanstoholiness.SaintPhilipNeri(thepatronsaintofhumor)wrote,“Ajoyfulheartismoreeasilymadeperfectthanadowncastone.”
Throughtrials,IhaverealizedthatGodwillsavemeagainandagain.Hetransformedmypainfromasorrowfulsufferingtoajoyfulsuffering.
Marriagealsoinspiresyouwonderaboutevengreaterrealities.SaintJohnChrysostomsaid,“Whenahusbandandwifeareunitedinmarriage,theynolongerseemlikesomethingearthly,butratherliketheimageofGodhimself.”
ThelovebetweenspousesistoreflectthelovesharedbetweentheThreePersonsoftheHolyTrinity.
AskGodtohelpstrengthenyourmarriage.GotoEucharisticAdorationatleastonceamonth,andmakeprayeraregularpartofyourlife.
Whenyoudeepenyourprayerlifeasacouple,youwillfindgreaterwondermentinyourvocation.Youwilllearnmoreaboutyourspouse.Andyouwilldiscoversaintstohelpaidyouinthejourney.MywifeandIsufferedanothermiscarriagein2017,andinspring2018wewerepregnantagain.
Theengagementperiodismarkedbyseveralemotionalhighs:thethrillofannouncements,anxietyaboutmountingcosts,andthemaddashtogeteverythingdone.Coupleswillridetherollercoasterofthosehighsandlowsallthewaytothealtarandeventhroughthehoneymoon.
Duringthistime,it’stotallynormaltoexperienceconflictwithyourpartnerandevenhavesomedoubtsaboutmarriage.Buthowdoyouknowwhetheryourdoubtsareanormalpartofmakingoneofthebiggestdecisionsofyourlifeorasignthatyoumaybemakingahugemistake
Everythoughtfuldecisionshouldcomewithanhonestevaluationofthechoice.Youmayhavesaidyestoaproposalbasedonemotionsthatfeltlike100%certainty,butthatfeelingcan’tlast.Onceyoustartdoingtheworkofbeingengaged(yes,it’sactuallyalotofwork),partofthatworkismovingclosertocertaintybasedonfactsratherthanjustemotion.
Whileyou’replanningyourweddingandgoingthroughthemarriagepreparationprocessatyourparish,you’llfacemanychoicesandtoughquestions.Youmayfindyourselvessquabblingoverwhotoinvitetothewedding,andyoumaybeaskedtotalkaboutaspectsofyourpast,familylife,andpersonalitythathadn’tyetsurfacedinyourdatingrelationship.
Allofthesesituationsshouldbeopportunitiesforyouto“tryon”whatmarriedlifewillbelikeanddiscoverhowyou’llhandlethesethingsasacouple.Infact,conflictshouldbewelcomedduringengagementsoyoucanlearnhowyourpartnerrespondstoyouwhenthingsaren’tgoingwellandwhetherornotyoucanresolvethingsinahealthyway.
Theideathathealthycouplesdon’tfightisamyth.Theoppositeisactuallytrue;coupleswhorepressdisappointment,disapproval,anddisagreementtoavoidconflictinhibittheirabilitytomoveintoadeeper,healthierrelationship.
Whileconstantarguingcertainlyisn’tthegoal,bothpartnersshouldfeelfreetoexpresstheiropinionsandshouldbegrowingintheirabilitytoworkthroughdisagreementsinwaysthatmakeeachofthemfeelheard,valued,andconsidered.Couplesexperiencingconflictduringengagementshouldn’tbeconcernedthattheyarefacingstruggles.Theyshouldbeconcernedwhenthosestrugglesrevealunhealthypatterns.Learninghowtoworkthroughdisagreementsisavaluableskillhealthycoupleswilluseoverandoveragainduringtheirmarriage.
Whenengagedcouplesbegintoseeandexperiencethesenewsidesoftheirpartners,itpresentsnewchallengestonavigateintherelationship.Howyouhandlethosechallengescanhelpyoudeterminehowcompatibleyouactuallyare,andevenifyou’rereallyreadyformarriage.
Ifyou’redealingwithanyoftheaboveredflags,oranythingelsethat’scausingyoutoquestionwhethermarriageisstilltherightdecision,thebestthingtodoisaskforhelp.Asuncomfortableasitmayfeel,you’llneedanoutsideperspective.
Helpcanrangefromclergyandprofessionalcounselorstoalong-timemarriedcoupleinyourparish,family,orfriendcircle.Connectingwithclergyand/oramentorcoupleispartofthemarriagepreparationprocessatmanyparishes,butitcanbevaluabletogotoavarietyofsourcesforabroadersourceofwisdomandsupport.InChurchenvironments,thisiscalled‘discernment’,theartofseparating,analyzing,anddecidingthebestcourseofaction.AllthisisdoneinaprayerfulstateofmindwiththehelpofaSpiritualDirectorormentor.
Ifyourmarriageprepdoesn’tincludeconnectingone-on-onewithclergyoramentorcouple,oryoufeellikeyouneedabroaderperspective,you’llhavetobeproactiveaboutseekinghelp.
HerearesomeonlineresourcesthatcanhelpyoufindaqualifiedCatholiccounselor:
YoucanalsosearchyourlocaldiocesewebsiteforinformationaboutcounselingservicesfromregionalCatholicCharitiesorCatholicHumanServicesorganizations.
Friendsandfamilyarealsoavaluablepartofyoursupportsystem,butit’sokaytolookbeyondthatcircleforabiggerperspective.Dealingwithseriousdoubtsaboutyourupcomingmarriageshouldrequireasmuchhelpasyouneedfromwhateversourcesyou’recomfortablewith.
Ifyou’retryingtomakethingswork,you’vereachedouttoothers,andyou’restillhavingsignificantdoubts,itmaybetimetopostponeorcalloffthewedding.Thisdecisionwillneverbeeasy,butitcouldbethebestonetomake.
Ifyourrelationshipisworthworkingon,takingthepressureoftheimpendingweddingdateoffthecalendarcanfreeyouuptogrowindividuallyandasacouple.Whilecancelingyourweddingcanusherinfeelingsofgrief,failure,andembarrassment,itmayalsoopenthedoorforrelief,focus,andhealing.Thosefeelingsshouldworkedthroughifyoutrulywanttostrengthenarelationshipworthsavingandletgoofarelationshipthatneededtoend.
Ifyoufindyourselfinasituationwheretheredflagswerewarningsignsofanunhealthymarriage,youmaywanttoconsiderindividualcounselingtohelpidentifyareasinyourownlifewheregrowthwouldbebeneficial.Thisworkonyourpersonaldevelopmentwillmakeyoumorelikelytopassoverfuturepartnerswhohavethesameissuesandmovetowardhealthiercompanionsbothplatonicandromantic.
Suchamonumentalandlife-changingeventasaweddingdeservesasignificantamountofthoughtandplanningtobesure!Fromtheperfectchurchtocomplicatedguestlists,tobouquetsofflowersandmore,planningaweddingrequiresalotoftime,effort,andbrainpower.
Withsomuchfocusontheactualdayofthewedding,manycouplesunwiselybrushasidesomeofthe-shallwesay-lessglamorousaspectsofweddingpreparation,includingchoosingamethodofNaturalFamilyPlanning(NFP).
WhileIcouldgoonandonaboutallthingsNFP,herearethemostimportantthingsengagedcouplesneedtoknowaboutNFPduringMarriagePrep:
Forthesereasonsandmanymore,theymayplacechoosinganNFPmethodatthebottomoftheirweddingto-dolist.Whenthathappens,astheycrossitemsofftheirlistanditgetscloserandclosertotheirwedding,manycouples“panicshop”thevarioustypesofNFPmethods.Somemaycommittothefirstonetheylearnaboutwithoutfullyunderstandingthemethodordiscerningifitwillworkbestwiththeirlifestyle.
HowcanwehelpcouplesrealizethatchoosingatypeofNFPisgoodforahealthyandsuccessfulmarriageHowdowemakeitmorethananitemtobecrossedoffontheirweddingprepchecklist
Ifwewanttohelpcouplesavoidlast-minutedecisionsaboutNaturalFamilyPlanning,wecanbeginbyaccompanyingthemonthejourneyandsharingknowledge.AnimportantfirststepishelpingthemunderstandthebasicsoftheprimarymethodsofNFP.
Thecurrentmostpopularmethodsare:
IfthatlistleavesyoufeelingoverwhelmedwiththeworldofNFP,rememberneitheryounorthecouplesyouserveneedtobeanexpertineachofthevariousmethods.AbasicunderstandingofthedifferenttypesofNFPisenoughtohelpthemmakeaninformedandintentionaldecisionaboutwhattypeofNFPwillworkfortheirmarriage.
AcouplethatbeginslearningtheirselectedmethodofNFPearlyonduringtheirMarriagePrep,andcontinuestoworkwiththeirmethodinstructor,willbemoreconfidentintheirunderstandingoftheirfertilityonthedayoftheirweddingandbeyond.Thatalsoleadstofewerjittersontheirweddingday!
Whileit’struethemethodsofNFPfocusonthecyclicchangeshappeningwithinawoman’sbody,thatdoesnotmeanthattheburdenoflearningamethodofNFPfallssquarelyonthewoman’sshoulders.AcouplewilldiscusstheirNaturalFamilyPlanningmethodeverydayoftheirmarriedlife,whichmeansboththemanandthewomanneedtoworkonthistogetherduringtheirengagementandmarriagepreparation.
Encourageboththemanandthewomantoattendclassesfortheirchosenmethodanddiscusstheresultsoftheirchartingdaily,justliketheywilldoduringtheirmarriage.Trustme,ifanengagedcouplecanseriouslydiscusstheirunderstandingandplanneduseoftheirNaturalFamilyPlanningmethodduringtheirtimeofmarriagepreparation,theywillhavealotofgreatpracticeforcommunicationwhentheyaremarried.ManyofusintheworldofNFPliketosaywhenworkingwithacouple,“Ifyoutwocantalkaboutthis,youcantalkaboutanything!”
NaturalFamilyPlanningisaboutmorethanthephysicalbody,tryingtoconceive,ordiscerningwhentoopenoneselfuptoanewadditiontothefamily.Therearespiritualprinciplesthatprovidethefoundationforeveryoneofthephysicalpractices,andcouplesneedtoknowtheseaswell.ApproachingallofthisinanapproachableandauthenticwayisessentialtohelpingengagedcouplesprepareforpracticingNFPthroughouttheirmarriage.
Herearesomeofourfavorites:
IfyouneedhelpeducatingcouplesinNaturalFamilyPlanning,pleasereachoutforafreedemoofourcourse,NFPLife,anexcellentoverviewofthebeautyandscienceofNFPthatteachesthebasicsofeachmethodandthespiritualfoundationsbasedonHumaneVitaeandTheologyoftheBody.
ThiswasaphraseIheardalltoooftenduringmyadolescence.WhenIsoughthelpforlongerthannormalperiods,thesharppaininmyabdomen,ortroublesomeacne,theansweralwayscamebacktothepill.
IwasactivelypracticingmyCatholicfaith,sotakingsomethingtopreventpregnancywhenIwasunmarriedandnotsexuallyactivemadelittlesensetome.TherehadtobeasolutionthathonoredGod’scommandsANDrelievedmyseriesofproblems.
Discouraged,IjustpressedonthebestIcould.But,Godsawmeandhadadivineappointmentsetupforme.Onewherehewouldintroducemetoasolutionthatwouldbebothinformativeandhealing.
ShetoldmethatNFPwasasystemthattracksandworkswithawoman’sfertilitycycleinsteadofrepressingit.Shesharedherexperiencewithit,andmymindwasblown!
Whydidittake5yearsofseekinghelpbeforeIwasfinallyintroducedtoascientific,faith-basedwaytoexploremyfertility!
Fastforwardtoseveralyearslater,myhusbandandIweretryingtoconceive,anditwasjustnothappening.Itwasdeeplyfrustrating,andIfeltasadnessinmyheartthatmademeidentifywithSarahoftheOldTestament.
Why,whycan’twehaveachild
Onemonthintotesting,itquicklybecameclearthatIwasnotovulating.AnLHsurgewasnowheretobeseen,andestrogenwasstayinghighforWAYtoolong!ItookthisinformationtomyOB,andsheorderedsomebloodtests.Sureenough,Godansweredmyprayers,andIfinallygotsomedeeperinsightintomyinfertility.
IfinallyhadananswerandcouldnowdevelopawaytorelievemysymptomswhileworkingtogetherwithGod’sdesignformybody.
Currently,IammanagingmyPCOSsymptomsandstillprayingtogetpregnant!WithoutNFPandthisdiagnosis,itwould’vebeenincrediblydifficult(butnotimpossibleforourgreatGod)toconceive,sincethosewhohavePCOSrarelyovulate.