I’vespentoverhalfofmylifeexploringchristianity.I’foundgod’at24,marriedintoit,anditcontinuestoimpactme,thoughnotalwaysinpositiveways.AlthoughtherearepartsofitIlove,therearealsootherpartsthathavestrippedmeofmyabilitytoappreciateitoverall.
Thesepastyears,I’vedeconstructedmybeliefsystemandindoingso,havebecomeadissenterwithinthecircleIoncebelonged.Sadly,insuchcircles,alternateviewshavelittleplace.Ifyou’veeversteppedoutsideorchallengedthebeliefsystemorcodeofconductofareligiouscommunity,you’llknowwhatImean.Itusuallyinvolvesatleastaquestioningofyourcharacterandfaith,andoftenfarmore.
AsI’vedissembledthethinkingIonceaccepted,somebigissueshavecomeup.Thisismyphilosophicalshortlist,ignoringtheotherpracticalandrelationalimpacts.
Butperhapsmostnotablyforme,isthequestionofhowreligioncanclaimtounderstandthecomplexitiesandmysteriesofeternallife,whenwecan’tevencomprehendthecomplexitiesandmysteriesofthisphysicallife.Atleastnotyet.
Gilberttraveledapathofpersonalhealing.faithandselfdiscoverythatbeganinItaly,progressedtoIndiaandconcludedinBali.Eachofthosepartsofherlifecontributedtoherevolving,broadeningspiritualmosaic.Iimagineherjourneyincontinuesstill.
Theideaofaspiritualmosaicisnewtomeandinsomewaysmakesmealittleuneasy.It’snotthewell-traveledroadI’mfamiliarwith,butI’mlikingwhatI’mlearning.I’mincorporatingintomydailyroutinemeditation,mindfulnessandvisualization–becausetheyliterallychangethephysiologyandlandscapeofthebraintowardpeace,loveandself-mastery.Whethertheyanswertheexistentialquestionofwhatliesbeyond,isstill,well,aquestion.
Ihavenoideawhatliesbeyondthislife.IsitjeweledstreetsIsitthemusicofstringtheoryIsitone-nesswiththeuniverseIsitnothingIdon’tknow.Andneitherdoesanyoneelse,nomatterwhatauthoritytheyclaimitupon.ButIdoknowit’swithinmypowertoliveandlovewell.
Myyoungestsonaskedmeanxiouslytheotherday,‘MomareyoustillaChristian’Andhonestly,I’mnotsureIam,exceptbymyowndefinition.JustasI’manartstudent,astudentofphilosophy,religiousstudies,psychology,literatureandscience–bymyowndefinition.
IsthatenoughIsarosebyanyothernamestillassweet
I’mbeginningtothinkso.
Ihatethesethings.AsaclinicalcounselorIspendmonthswithpatientshelpingthemtobecomemoreself-aware,moreauthentic,andmoresecureintheirownbeautyandindividuality.Butforgetallthat.Justbeabimboandsaytherightwordsandmenwillloveyouforever.Bemysterious,bealoof,laughatourjokes,complimentus,youwilldriveuscrazy.
Lovenevergivesup.Lovecaresmoreforothersthanforself.Lovedoesn’twantwhatitdoesn’thave.Lovedoesn’tstrut,Doesn’thaveaswelledhead,Doesn’tforceitselfonothers,Isn’talways“mefirst,”Doesn’tflyoffthehandle,Doesn’tkeepscoreofthesinsofothers,Doesn’trevelwhenothersgrovel,Takespleasureinthefloweringoftruth,Putsupwithanything,Trustsalways,Alwayslooksforthebest,Neverlooksback,Butkeepsgoingtotheend.
Nowomancanfillthatholeeither.
Nooneelseshould.
ThisisfromDavid:
FiveReasonsWhyGettingYourActTogetherIsAnAwesomeGiftToGiveSomeoneElse:
2.Themoreyougetyouracttogether,theeasieritwillbeforothers(notjustyourspouse)toloveyou.Conversely,themorebrokenyouare,theharderitwillbetoloveyou.Ifyouareneedyandinsecure,youwillsuffocateyourpartner.Ifyouaredemanding,youwillexhaustthem.Ifyouhateyourself,youwillalwaysbemiserable.Ifyoutakeeverythingpersonally,almosteverythingyourspousesays,nomatterhowwell-intended,willhurtyourfeelings.Peoplewholovethemselveshavefacedtheirissuessquarely,andpeoplewhohavefacedtheirissuesareeasiertolovebecausetheyarenotconstantlyspewingtheirunresolvedgooalloverothers.
5.ItgivesyourspousewhattheywantYourspousemarriedyoubecausetheyloveyou.Assumingyourspouseisabasicallygoodperson,theywantyoutobehappy,healthy,andwhole.Themoreyouimproveyourself,thehappieryoubecomeandthehappieryouare,thehappieryourspousewillbewithyou.
Gettingyouracttogether,then,isagifttotheworld!
Question:HowhaveyouseenimportantrelationshipsimproveasyouhavecontinuedtogetyouracttogetherWhatrelationshipsdoyounowrealizesufferedbecauseofyourunresolvedissues
fromcracked.com:
#5.YourBrainLatchesontotheBadStuffbyDesign
#4.KillingNegativeThoughtsOnlyMakesThemStronger
#3.GriefIsAddictive
Thinkabouthowmuchofourentertainmentisbasedaroundnegativeemotions.WhydowelikescarymoviesOrsadsongsWhydowewatchmoviesaboutdisastersorobsessivelyfollowmorbidnewsstoriesaboutsensationalmurdertrialsIfsomethinghorriblehappenstous,whydowefindourselvesconstantlythinkingandtalkingaboutit
#1.BeingHappyTakesEffort
Nowimagineadepressedperson.Youpicturehimsittingonthesofainthedark,maybedrinkingalone,staringatinfomercialsatthreeinthemorning.Maybehejustnevergotoutofbed.
Weputonoursunglassesandfiltereverythingtofitourviewontheworld.Wehavebeenraisedtobelievecertainthings,usecertaincopingmechanisms,employcertaincognitiveinterpretationsanddistortions.Thereissomethinginallofusthatwantstobelievewearetheexceptiontotherule.OtherpeoplecheatontheirpartnerandgetcaughtbutIamtoosmart,tooslick,theexception.Icancheatonmytaxesandgetawaywithit.Icancutcorners,takeshortcuts,skimrelationally,anddowhateverthehellIwantbecause,althoughotherpeoplegetcaught,Iamnotgoingtobeheldaccountable.Sometimesweareevenright.
Sometimeswecangetawaywithenoughthatitactuallyreaffirmsourexcusesandentrenchesthisbeliefinourpsyche.Iseethisoftenincounseling.Peoplewanttohavetheircakeandeatittoo.Onaregularbasisanindividualwillseekmeoutinordertogetpermissiontodosomethingcheaporimmoral,orjustabadidea.Theyarelookingforaprofessionaltocondonetheirdesires.Oftentheyleavedisappointed.
IhavebeentoldthatIhavecomealongwayinthepastyears.Ihavedifficultywritingthat,itfeelsarroganttoagoodCanadian.Thetruthis,Ihadalongwaytocome.TherewasatimeinmylifewhenIwasamess,eventhoughIwasstillpretendingtobeanauthorityonlife.Ihavebeenneedy.Very,veryneedy.TherewasonepointinmylifewhenIhadsuchanenormousholeinmyheartIwasquitesickemotionally.ImadedecisionsanddidthingsthatwerebasedonpoorreasoningandabrokennessthatshocksmewhenIlookback.
Therearemanyreasonswhywedevelopdysfunctionalcopingmechanisms.Someofusareinabusiverelationshipsandhaveasicksenseofguiltthathasbeenbeatenintousemotionallyandperhapsphysically.Weknowweshouldleave,peopletellusallthetime,butwejustcannotseemtopullthetrigger.Afterall,hehasmanygoodqualitiesweremindourselves.Youhaveaprofoundanddeeplyentrenchedbeliefthatyouarenotworthyofahealthyrelationship.Heorshehastoldyouahundredtimesthatyouareunlovableunworthy,andyoubelievethem,atleastonanemotionallevel.Ittaintseverythingaboutyou.
Perhapsyouwerephysicallyorsexuallyoremotionallyabusedasachild.Youfindthatyouhaveahardtimeenjoyingnormalsexualcontactorperhapsyoutendtobedrawntopoorchoiceswhendatingorcommitting.Maybeyouhaveahardtimewithimpulsivityorfinishingprojects.Manywhowereabusedaschildrenarecontrolfreaks,haveanaggressivestartleinstinct,orconsiderthemselvesmorediscerningorintuitivethanothersaroundthem.NoonehasevertoldyouthateverythingIhavejustlisted,andmanymoreweirdquirksbesides,areoftenassociatedwithtrauma.Itcanaffectyourentirelife.
ManyofyouknowwhatIamtalkingabout.Womenwhoareattractedtothebadboyorthestrongandsilenttype,wholovemenwhoarequietorpassive-aggressivereallyknowwhatImean.Lookingtosomeoneelsetocompleteus,evenatthebestoftimes,isadead-endstreetwithguaranteeddisappointmentatthebestoftimes.Livingwithorlovingsomeonewhoisemotionallyunavailablecandestroyyourself-esteem,yourdignity,andyoursenseofworthifyouletit.Thereisaconstantfeelingthatyoucannevermeasureup,thatyourloverisdisappointedinyounomatterwhatyoudo.Youtryharderandharderandharderuntilonedayyouaredisturbedandfrustratedbeyondyourcapacitytocope.
Wecannotchangethepast,wecanonlylearnfromit.Ihavelearnedthatwecannotalwaystrustourselveswhenitcomestoromance.Wetendtobeattractedtopeoplewhowebelievecompleteus.Apparentlyoppositesattract.Thiscanbeaveryflawedarrangementifwetendtofallforsomeonewhodoesnotsharetheiremotionsorisunableorunwillingtoemotionallyinvestinarelationship.
Itisnevertolatetobecomeself-aware.
Therealworldisboring.Ihavementionedbeforethatoneofthehiddenissueswithaddictionrecoveryisthattherealworldismundane.Addictsareusedtospendingmostoftheirwakinghoursfantasizingabouthighs,planningandfinancingtheiraddictions,gettingandimbibing,comingdown,burningout;notaboringday.Stoppingdrinkingordrugsorwhateverisonlyasmallpartofyourbattle.Dealingwithalife-viewandlifestyleisfarmorecomplicatedanddifficult.Learningtosettlewithwhatyouhave,whereyouare,andwhatyouaredoingisnotnatural.Televisionandmoviestellusallthetimethatlifeshouldbeaseriesoforgasmsandcarchases.
Welcomebacktotherealworld.
TworoadsdivergedinayellowwoodandsorryIcouldnottravelbothAndbeonetraveler,longIstoodandlookeddownoneasfarasIcouldtowhereitbentintheundergrowth;
(watchthewholevideo)
SoI’msittinghere,postpanicattack,snackingonabigbagofCinnamonToastCrunch.Thisisn’tsomethingInormallydoonaTuesdayafternoon,butsinceI’vespentthepastcouplehoursfranticallyseekingandfindingcancerouslumpstoattachmyrunawayanxietyto,Ineedagoodcomfortingdistraction.Andnothingsayscomfortingdistractionlikeeatingcrispy,sugarynutrition-lesskid’scerealstraightoutofthebag,withoutmilk.
I’vebeen,Idon’tquiteknowhowtodescribeit,humbledIsuppose,bysomeoftheblogsI’vebeenreadinglately.Peopletalkingopenly,insightfully,humanly,aboutthethingsthathavemessedthemupandhowthey’remakingtheirwaythroughthem.Ittakesagreatdealofcouragetostandsymbolicallynaked,tellingyourstory.Iknowthat,becauseIdon’tdoitveryoften.ButwhenIchanceuponsomeonebraveenoughtotelltheirsandwhobraverstill,istryingtomakelifebetterinspiteof…
Lifeisaboutconnections.InthepastyearsIhavelostsomepeopledeartomeanditistemptingtoguardmyheart,tokeeppeopleatadistance,andtominimizethepotentialheartacheshouldthingsnotworkout.AnyonewhohasbeenhurtbyothersknowswhatImean.Lovingpeopleisdangerousandpainful.
Afriendissomeonewhogivesyoutotalfreedomtobeyourself.JimMorrison
Onvacation.Enjoythisfromcracked.com
#5.OriginalStarWarsTrilogy:LeiaandHanSolo
#4.TheLittleMermaid:EricandAriel
WhyitWillNeverWork:UnrealisticCompromise.
Sure,bytheendofthefilmEricandArielenduptogether,marriedashumans,andpresumablyhappy.Butevenforacartoon,thatshoddyclosureistooludicroustoignore.Arielisateenager,and,assheprovesthroughouttherestofthefilm,susceptibletothesameimpulsivestupiddecisionsasanynon-Mermaidteenager.
#3.StarTrek:Spock(ZacharyQuinto)andNyotaUhura(ZoeSaldana)
WhyitWillNeverWork:EmotionalUnavailability.
Wehumansareprettymuchprogrammedthiswayfrombirth,asscientistsrecentlyfiguredoutwiththisterrifyingexperimentwheretheyobservedtheeffectsofstaringcoldlyatababy:
Assumingtheyaretogetherlongenoughtohaveachild,itcanlookforwardtoadistantfatherandafrustratedmother.TheonlysilverliningisthekidwillneverbebulliedintheinvertedbreastsofknowledgeonVulcansincetheplanetnolongerexists.
#2.DancesWithWolves:LieutenantDunbarandStandsWithaFist
WhyitWillNeverWork:MutualStockholmSyndrome.
Psychologiststellusthatalovepredicatedonadisorderisdoomedtofail,especiallywhenthecauseofthatdisorderisremoved.Attheendofthefilm,thetworunawayfromthetribetogetherandlivealoneontheopenplains.Theonlyfeasiblewayforthesparktoremainbetweenthemisiftheybothactasperpetratoragainsttheother.Imaginearelationshipbetweentwopeoplewhereeachfeelstortuouslyconfinedwhilesimultaneouslycompletelydependentontheoth-No,noonsecondthought,thisrelationshipseemsprettystandard.
#1.TheBreakfastClub:JohnBenderandClaireStandish
WhyitWillNeverWork:Post-TraumaticEmbittermentDisorder.
Thisshedsawholenewlightonthefinalshotofthemovie.AftersharingakisswithClaire,Benderappearstopunchtheairinajubilantgesturethatalwaysseemedmorethanalittlebitoutofcharacter.Accordingtothescience,hewasjustwarmingup.
onvacation,enjoy:
Self-Acceptancevs.Self-Improvement
AsIwritethisitisstillThursdayandthetripisstillinthefuture.IamunsurehowitwillallshakeoutbutIamfairlycertainitwillbeanenjoyabletimewithmydad,laughingandtalkingandrelivingalifetimeofmemories.Thisinitselfwillprobablyturnintopartofthestory,partoftheadventure.
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