Author.Blogger.Chipmunkenthusiast.
Tosay2023wasoneforthebookswouldbelikesayingUncleJesseismildlycute.
Italsoinvolvedgoingoutwith36differentmen.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Pleasetellmeyour2023wasbetter.
Disclaimer:Thisblogpostismemoir.Itreflectstheauthor’spresentrecollectionsofexperiencesovertime.Somenamesandcharacteristicshavebeenomittedorchanged,someeventshavebeencompressed,andsomedialoguehasbeenrecreated.
Thethreeofuslookedupfromourtabletoseeatall,smiling,30-something-ishmanstandingoverus.
Ournewestfanclubmemberuncannilyfitthebillonallfronts.HeintroducedhimselfasFredandwelikedhisunassumingnaturesomuchthatwefoundourselvessaying,
Mygutimmediatelytoldmeshemightberight,butIalsoresisted.
Fredwentontoboldlysingtworapsongs,furtherwooinguswithhisunabashedperformances.
Iinsistedonalsotradinglastnames.
Herepliedwithascreenshotshowinghisticketpurchaseconfirmation.Ilikehisstyle.
Whendatenightarrived,Iwasnervous.Reallynervous.Despitehavingspenttwonightstogetherduringwhichhemetmostofmyfriendsandfamily,nowafeelingofexpectationpermeatedtheair.
HeofferedtobuyourdrinksandwhenIsaidIlikedbubbly,helookedconfused.
Itriednottogiggleandnodded.WeawkwardlypickedaspottositdownandIhopedthatacoupleofdrinkswouldsootheourcollectivenerves.
Myfriendsandfamily,knowinghowmuchIstruggledtofindapartnerwhowaspure-hearted,stable,andemotionallyavailable,supportedmydecisiontoseewherethismightgo.
FredandIwerefeelingalotlooserbythetimewewalkedovertotheconcert,andwhenthesunbegantoset,wewrappedourselvesupineachother,swayingtothemellow,dance-ybeats.
Idrewmyheadbackandpulledaway,lookingathimwithfurrowedeyebrows.
WepartedwaysforacoupleofminuteswhileItriedtofigureoutifIwasoverreacting.
Later,intheparkinglotbyourcars,IhadtheopportunitytoexplainwhereIwascomingfrom.
Heapologizedandsaidheunderstood.Ifeltcomforted,believinghewasjustinexperiencedbutwillingtolearnandgrow.Cue:anintense,longmake-outsessionuntilasecurityguardcameover.
WhenFredandIhadourseconddatetwonightslater,thebodygroomingtopiccameupagain.
Isaidnothingbecause,unlikeFred,Iknewwhentokeepmymouthshut.
Thetexthadcomeoutoftheblueandwhileithadmademeincrediblyuneasy,Idecidednottojumptoconclusions.
Ohlord,Fred.Wearewaypastthat.
Theexchangeplayedthroughmyheadasweenteredthebeertastingevent.BetweenthatandknowingIwasabouttomeethisparents,Iwasonedge.Whenwehandedoverourtickets,Ilearnedthatwestillneededtastingtokens–thecheapticketsFredhadpurchasedonlygotusintotheevent.
Westartedthenightoutbybumpingintoacoupleofguysfromhistriviateamwhomadeseveraltastingrecommendations.
Fredgotdrunkquicklyandstartedtryingtotipthevendorswithtokens.
Yeah,Fred.ThetokensIbought.
PerhapsIshouldhavebeencharmedbytheattempttotipintokens,butIwastooturnedoffbyhisrefusaltolistentoasimpleexplanation–apatternthatwouldonlyprogressasthenightworeon.
Forthenexthalfhour,IplayedtheroleofCharmingGirlfriendwhileFredtalkedonlytohisfriend.
Itriednottopeekatmywatch.Itwasofficial;Iwasnothavingfun.Astheeventnearedclosingtime,Idecidedweneededtoeat.KnowinghowbrokeFredwas,Ioffered,
Ihadspenthalftheday–afteraninsanelybusyandstressfulmonthofjobinterviews,socialcommitments,visitors,freelancework,abrokentoe,abrokenphone,andaflattire–cleaningandgroominginpreparationforthisdate.Iwashellbentonsalvagingthenight.
Iraisedmyeyebrowsandhecontinued.
Ohholyfuck,Fred,reallyThatwomanwastryingtogetridofyourasswithoutdrama!
HowcouldIexplainthathewasmissingthepointOntopofbeingwillingtoputbothofusatrisk,hewasclearlydemonstratingalackofsafety,care,andmaturity.
Theconversationturnedintoafull-blownargumentuntilIsaidcalmly,
Istartedcleaningupthekitchen,talkingmoretomyselfthanhim.
Iknewthatwouldsethimoffanew,butIwasdone.HerantedandraveduntilIsaidwhatIshouldhavesaidanhourearlier,orperhapsaweekearlier,
Whileheputonhiscoatandshoes,IwentintothebedroomtosnuggleUncleJesse(DoodleWonderDog)andcalmmynerves.Iwasproudofmyselffornotexplodingorhittingbelowthebelt.
IcamebackoutintothelivingroomwhenIheardthefrontdooropen.Fredwasstaringatmewithpuppydogeyes.
IlaidinbedwonderingiftherewasanychanceIhadoverreacted.No.Thiswasgenuinelyfucked.GladIknownow,Itextedtofriends.
Mystomachdropped.
TheentiredaypassedwithoutawordfromFred.Thefollowingmorningatprecisely11:11am,hetexted,
Ihadonetinymomentofself-doubtbeforecomingtomysenses.Iarchivedourmessagethreadandsaidaprayerofthanksforhavingmyheadonstraightandmyheartintactthroughthisone.
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Disclaimer:Thisblogpostismemoir.Itreflectstheauthor’spresentrecollectionsofexperiencesovertime.Namesandcharacteristicshavebeenomittedorchanged,someeventshavebeencompressed,andsomedialoguehasbeenrecreated.
Samwas54(tomy40)and,fromhisphotos,averyyoung54,skiing,surfing,andsmilingineverypicture.TheSamwhowalkedthroughthebardoorswasdefinitely54,thoughdressedyouthfullyandsportingaplayfulgrin.Throughoutthefirsthour,hekepttappingmyarmorlegwheneverIsaidsomethingfunnyandIdecidedIdidnotlikethat,thankyouverymuch.
Whattheactualf$@%,IthoughtasIwalkedbackintothebartojoinmyfriends.Howdidthatmanhit54andnotlearnaboutDatingSafety101
Turningsomeonedownonceisawkwardenough;nowIhadtodoittwiceAndhowcouldtwopeoplehavehadsuchadifferentexperienceofthesamenight
WhenPaulreachedoutonHingetwomonthsago,Irolledmyeyesandreplied,
PaulandIhadgoneoutacoupleoftimesinlate2021,makingoutandmakingplanstoseeeachotherathirdtime.HeflakedmorethanonceandIfinallywrotehimoff,myfeelingshurt.Fastforwardsixmonthslaterandhematchedwithmyfriend,Rachel.
Iwasalwaysimpressedwhenmenboldlyshowedtheirinterestthroughmakingrocksolidplans.Ifoundmyselfagreeing.
Forourseconddate,wemetataThairestaurantandPaulwaslate.Assoonashesatdown,mybodyhadavisceralreaction.Ohhellno.Hehadahuge,flakypieceofskinonhislowerlipandwiththenaturallightfloodingthroughthefloortoceilingwindows,Icouldseehisteethwereyellowandplaque-covered.
Forthenexthourandahalf,IletPauldominatetheconversationandfinishallofmyfood,occasionallydroppingsuggestivecomments.
Itriednottogrimaceandchangedthesubject.
Maybeinknowingmyselfjustalittlebitmorewitheachbaddateandheartbreak,Iwasgettingclosertofindingthepersonworthmytimeandenergy.
CanIcancelIreallywanttocancel.
DavidandIhadmatchedonBumbleaboutaweekandahalfearlierandheimmediatelyexplainedthathewasenroutetoBendtospendChristmaswithhisdad,splittinghistimebetweenBendandthemidwest.
IsuggestedwemeetatoneofmyfavoritecasualrestaurantsdowntownforadrinkwhenhegottoBend,andwhenourdatenightarrived,IdecidedNOTtocancelanddressupinablacktopandskirt.
Davidwalkedintenminuteslatelookingalittleflustered,havinggonetothewrongspotinthesprawlingrestaurant.Hewastallanddressedlikeamidwest-meets-Bendhipster:plaidshirt,vest,woolbeanie.
Whenwefinishedourseconddrink,IwassurprisedthatDavidbothinsistedonpaying(agrowingrarityintheonlinedatingworld)andthensaid,
Isuggestedanearbybarandaswemadetheshortwalk,Icautioned,
HeofferedhisrightarmandIgotthesensethatthatonesmallgesturehealedsomethinginsidebothofus.Weorderedwhiskeycocktails-heagaininsistedonpayinginaneasy,swoon-worthyway-andwesettledintoamoreintimate,relaxedconversation,divingintotopicslikeveganism,financialsecurity,and,ofcourse,cheesecake.
ShelaughedandletmerambleaboutallthingsAmazingDavidforatleastanhour.
Marryme.
WhenIcameback,wechattedsomemoreandIwonderedwhynoonewasbringingthecheck.Thewaitstaffwasalreadyputtingchairsup.
WesharedanotherchastekissinthesnowyparkinglotandDavidjoked,
Wechattedforawhileonthecouchbeforekissing.
Igiggledagain.
Tearssprungtomyeyes.
Heplacedapalmovermyheartandrubbedmychestsoothingly.NoonehadeverdonethatandIwasmovedbeyondwords.Wetalkedforalongtimeuntilhesaid,
Aswemadeout,heoftenpausedtostareatmeintenselyandItriednottoshyawayfromthispersonwhowassodisconcertinglyvulnerable.Wetalkedandkissedforhoursbeforehewenthome,andthenextmorning,hetexted,
Wespentthebetterpartofeverydaytogetherafterthat,eachdaymeasking,
OnhislastnightinBend,Icriedforhours.
Eventhoughwemadeacoupleofplanstoseeeachother,heneverfollowedthroughandIeventuallyconfrontedhimviatext.Heimmediatelycalled.
Twohourslater,wewerebacktoflirting.
Ididandhemadeasuggestivecomment,promptingmetolaugh.
Wejokedsomemoreandgotevenflirtier.
Hisfacecrumpledandhebegantocry.
Twodayslater,Ibitthebulletandtookheradvice.
Ihitsendandtriedtocometopeacewiththeideathathemightneverreply.Alittleoverfivehourslater,hedid.
IwaitedanhourandahalfbeforedecidingIneededtosaymore.WhatdidIhavetolose
Herepliedtwodayslaterwithatypo-riddledmessage.
Whatareyouuptothisweek-Rich
Howwastrivia-Ben
Gross.
F&@%you.
Help.
Notjustthementalloadofmakingplans,carryingtheconversation,andofferingtopay(allstillresultinginlittlemorethantheabove),datingwastakingitstollindeeper,identity-challengingways.HadIlostmyabilitytoreadtheroomCouldInolongertellthedifferencebetweensincerityandnarcissismGenuineinterestandpoliteness
MeetCary,afirstdatefromamonthago.
Aminuteortwoafter5:30,Carywalkedin,unsmiling.TheknotinmystomachbecameafullonBoyScoutlesson.
Isprungupandopenedwithmyusual,
CarywasmuchslighterthanIhadimaginedandwehuggedawkwardly.
Istaredathim.
Whenthewaitressbroughtthecheckanhourandahalflater,Iquicklygrabbedit.
Igotinmycarandstaredattheclock.7:15pm.7:15pmonaSaturdaynightandIwasalone.Thirtyminuteslater,IgotanalertthatCaryhadmessagedmethroughHinge.
No.He.Did.Not.Istaredatmyphoneindisbelief.Pouralittlesaltinthewoundmuch!Igatheredmyselfbeforeuncharacteristicallyresponding(giventhatmygo-tomoveissilence).
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Wittybanterimmediatelyensued.
Wesolidifiedtheplanandexchangedafewmorefunnymessagesthroughouttheday.WhenIwalkedintothebarjustafter7:30,IfeltflushedfromthebittercoldcentralOregonair,myhandsshoveddeeplyintomytrustybrownpuffyjacket.
Beforewegottoofarintoourfreneticconversation,Gregpoppedup.
GregoffereduplotsofquestionsandthoughIneverquitegottofinishanytrainofthoughtbeforehebouncedtosomethingelse,Iwasflatteredbyhisinterest.
IcouldtellhewasfeelingalittlelooseaboutanhourintothedateandIwonderedifthingswouldgetsloppy.
ThroughoutthenighthedroppeddozensofcomplimentsandIwonderediftherecouldbeanyromanticspark.IknewIlikedhimalotandcoulddefinitelyseeushavingfunasfriends.
Twohoursintothedate,IgotuptousethebathroomandwhenIcameback,InoticedhowbuzzedGregwasandknewIwasreadytogohome.
Myheartsankandemotiontookthewheel.
Iblinked.Afteralongbeat,Iblurted,
Wellf*%&.
MessagingKevinonHinge,Ibegantowonderifhejustmightfitthebill.
Ispottedhimimmediately,wearingaworn-out,turquoiseshirtandbaseballcap.HewasslightlytallerthanmeandjustasmasculineasIhadimagined,rightdowntothebeardandrocksolidhug.
Isatdownandwhenhesmiled,hiseyesglowedandmystomachsomersaulted.Everythinginmybodytoldmethatthiswasgoingtobeagooddate.Reallygood.HestaredatmesilentlyforalongmomentuntilIfinallysaid,
Hewentontoexplainthathewasnewlysingle,hadacrappy-payingbutsteadyjob,andwouldbetravelingforworkforsixmonths,startinginApril.
Thewayheleveledmemademyheartflutter.Ofcoursetherewasonlyoneanswer.
Wespentnearlytheentirepartycanoodlingonthelivingroomcouchandignoringeveryoneelse.Restingahandbetweenmycrossedlegs,heconfessedthathewasdealingwithnotonlyabadbreak-up,butatragicfamilydeath,hiseyeswellingwithtears.
WhenIgothomearoundmidnight,wetextedforhours.
Wehungoutagainthenextnightwithoneofhisfriendsatyetanotherdivebar.
Whenhisfriendleftforthenight,hegaveusalittlesmileandthumbsup,clearlyapprovingourundeniableconnection.
Wewerebothtooexhaustedtohangoutagainthenextnight,Sunday,anddoubtstartedtocreepinwhenhismessagesabruptlyslowed.HadhechangedhismindWasthisrealWerewereallyamatchWasitmovingtooquicklyWasIbeinglovebombed
Despitethesuddenhaltinmessagingandacoupleofshort,lacklusterphonecalls,KevincameoveronMondaynightandIgreetedhimwithakiss,tryingtoovercomemyinsecurity.Later,whenheaskedifIwantedhimtosleepover,Isaid,
Wechattedabouthisnotoriouslyraucousholidayworkpartyforaminuteandthenhesaid,
ApitformedinmystomachandIbracedmyself,tryingtogonumb.
Iarchivedourtextmessagethread,wipedawayafewtears,andgrabbedmylaptop.Betterthingswerewaitingforme.
Itwistedthelaststrandofhairaroundmycurlingiron,staringintothebathroommirror.EverytimeIdidmyhair,Ifeltlikeateenageboytryingtounclaspabra.
Okay.Notbad.
Dennis,my20-somethingHinge(first)dateforthatevening,hadjustthrownmeacurveball.
AsIgotreadytoleave,myphonechirped.IlookedatthescreenandsawatextfromDennis.
Mymouthsaggedandtearsprickedmyeyes.
Mystomachfellalongwithatear.MymindracedwithathousandthingsIwantedtosayandcontinuedtodosoforthenext24hours.Instead,Idecidedtosaynothing.
Around2pmonFriday,Ireceivedabizarremessage:
MygirlfriendsandIattemptedtodeciphertheconfoundingnote.
Whilewaitingtoseeifmyfriendwasavailabletojoinus,Iswitchedourconversationbackovertotextmessaging.Whichiswhenthingsgotevenmoreinteresting:
Turnsoutthenervesweredate-specificandhewasaregularperformeratthecomedyclub.HebeganintroducingmetoeveryoneinthesmallvenueandIsunkinsidemycoldshouldersweater.
BecauseIknewthreeofthem.
MartylookedatCraigandraisedhiseyebrows.
Iraisedmyeyebrowsinreturn.
Unfazed,MartychattedwithCraigforanothermomentbeforeflittingofftosomeoneelse;hewastheMCforthenightandclearlyenjoyinghisrole.Forasmalllocalcomedyclub,theshowwassurprisinglytolerable.Funny,even.
Ineverheardfromhimagain.
***
Paulwastenminuteslate,abootlegversionofhisHingeprofilephotos,andunsmiling.
Whenwesatbackdown,IimmediatelytookchargeoftheFirstDateStarterKitquestions:work,hobbies,family.Witheachquery,Igotaonelinereplywithzeroreturnquestioning.
Twentyminutesin,IdecidedtoseewhatwouldhappenifIstoppedtalking.Paulstaredattheceiling.
Carryingabouquetoflong-stemmedroses.
Thiswasafirst.
Theconversationflowedfromthere,thoughIoccasionallytrippedovermywords.
Whenthedateendedafewhourslater,Henrywalkedmetomycarandgaveasolidhuggoodbye.
The6-foot-3FrenchHemsworthswaggeredtowardsuscarryingtwobunchesofgrapes,onewhiteandonered,leisurelypoppingthesmallorbsintohismouth.
Thethreeofusstaredathim,mouthsagape,borderlinecatatonic.Aflashofbrightwhiteblindeduswhenhesmiled.
Hehadtornhisgazefromtheskyandlaidasetofsmolderingeyesonher.
BabsandIhadwatchedthesceneunfoldinastateofdisbelief.WasthisarealhumanDidmenlikethisexistoutsideofHallmarkholidaymoviesWasheabouttotellushewasinheritingthewineryfromhislateuncleandtheonlythingmissingwasanawkwardblondetoshareitwith
Whenour7pmThursdayDateNightarrived,Iputonanewcream-coloredturtlenecksweaterandlightwashjeans,arrivingafewminutesearly.
Hiseyesheldawild,franticlook.
WhyamInotsurprised
Whenfriendsaskedhowitwent,Itoldthemthetruth.
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